Insyde my head

Some back story for ya...

2009-06-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

So hey everyone, I know I have been MIA but I usually write on here when I'm at work(like right now) but lately I haven't been in the office too much. I'm working on getting out of the military! WOOT WOOT! So excited but exhausting because I have so many appointments and whatnot that I have to do. Soooooo I figured that I would put up a link to my old journal.

I started writing it the begining of my senior year in high school and kept it until about a year ago or so. And since I'm not writing on here that much lately I thought I'd give yall some reading material.

But please, be nice.....I was 17 when I started it and was all over the place =^)

http://deprkelly.livejournal.com/

Work SUCKS!

2009-05-21T04:15:00.001-07:00

It is my first week back at work and if I thought I was sleep deprived before...I was wrong. Atleast when I was home, I could sleep in till about 9 or so but now I'm getting up at 5:30 every morning and not going to bed till after 12 usually....and then there's the whole getting up with her in between those times too. And no naps. It sucks but I'm dealing with it because I only have about 33 more working days left. I technically get out August 22 but I've got some leave saved up so I start my separation leave July 8th. Woot Woot! =^)

Then I'm going to try to stay home for a few more months before I go back to work. 1) I need a break between jobs and 2) I want to wait to put Catherine into daycare until she is old enough to atleast hold herself up and interact a little bit. I think it's pointless to put an infant in daycare when all they do is eat, sleep and poop and 3) I've been saving my money like crazy so I could have a couple months without work and not completely live off my husband.

Oh! And speaking of bodily functions....Catherine and James had a good laugh at my expense last night. So, I was watching the finale of American Idol last night and Catherine was sleeping in the bedroom while James was watching TV in there. Well, when they announced that Kris won(hell yeah, btw), I let out this loud squeal followed by "OHMYGOD!!! ICANTBELIEVEIT!" Then a minute later James comes walking into the living room pissed off because he said that my squeal startled Catherine and she was now awake and screaming. Yeah, so he storms off and is getting her ready for a bath and I walked in there trying to make peace. Well, Catherine is laying on the changing table in just her diaper and James is in the bathroom starting the water. Once I see that he's done adjusting the water, I take her diaper off and pick her up.....I had her for maybe 10 seconds and was just about to hand her over to James when all of a sudden I feel something warm. The little hussy peed all over me! She stops crying and James is trying his best to not crack up laughing. I yelled at him "Go ahead! Laugh it up!" Which he did, the whole time he was giving her a bath. After I got cleaned up, I walked into the bathroom and asked James "So, can you honestly still be mad at me after that?" He shook his head and started cracking up again.

They are both such punks! I don't even think about being peed on with a girl. I always knew that boys do it all the time but I guess the girls have their ways too!

Anyways....I have to go put my tennis shoes on because we are about to have Command PT. I'm really not in the mood to PT but I gotta get some of this baby weight off before summer's over.

Hope all is well in the land of bloggers! =^)

what's sleep? I forgot how.

2009-04-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

So it is now 2:30 in the AM and I am sitting in my living room waiting for my babygirl to wake up so I can feed her and change her and finally get back to sleep myself. I would post pictures but I take most of them with my phone and I don't know where the cord that connects my phone to my computer is. So, once I find that (or buy a new one) I'll upload them on here.

So it's so crazy to think that she will be a month old next Saturday!!! I mean, it seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and going into labor. But at the same time it feels like she's been in my life forever.

I go back to work 3 weeks from tomorrow (or today I guess) and I REALLY do not want to. Well, the good thing is I'm only back at work for 7 weeks and then I start my separation leave for another 8 weeks! I am so dang excited about that! I'm trying to figure out our money situation right now so hopefully I can stay home with Catherine for a little bit longer before I go back to work too. My ideal situation would be to stay home until she starts school, then go back to work. But I know that I can't really do that at the moment. Although, I have saved up quite a bit of money and James just got promoted so I do have a little bit of wiggle room. I probably don't have to work a 40hr work week, so I'll take what I can get.

Well, I just wanted to update yall on what's going on here. I'm still loving every second of being a mommy and a wife and for the first time in a long time, I can't complain about anything. Life is good!

very quick update

2009-04-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! So I bet you're all wondering about me and the baby....

Well, my water broke at 11pm on the 1st and I had my beautiful babygirl at 6:32pm on the 2nd. She was 8lbs 6oz and 21 and a half inches. She has the most beautiful dark blue eyes I've ever seen and she is now my whole world!

Labor sucked! I had an epidural but they had to stop it in order for me to push her out haha. The nurse asked me to do a couple practice pushes and kept telling me to push and I was like "I am I am!!!" But apparently, I wasn't. So I felt everything and OMFG it was PAINFUL!!!

But worth every second. I will try to post a couple pics soon if she gives me a chance. She is a complete handful, but I'm loving every second of it. James is being absolutely amazing too. I was scared that we were going to bump heads alot after she was born but we actually make an awesom team.

I'm loving life and my family and couldn't ask for anything more!

Any day now

2009-03-24T05:18:00.000-07:00

So I am 39 weeks pregnant and my due date is on Monday. However, I can say with 100% certanty that the 4th will be the actual 9 month mark since conception =^) So my babygirl should be here any day now.

I'm nervous. Scared. Excited. Worried. Impatient. Happy and sad all at the same time right now....which I'm sure most of you, who have been here, experienced too. I'm so excited that I will be able to hold her for the first time soon and that I will have a better version of me and my husband to take care of and guide and love. But I'm scared out of my mind...how will I deal with the no sleep? What if I can't figure out why she's crying? What if she gets really sick? What if I mess up? How will I ever be able to walk out the door or watch the news again without thinking "Something bad could happen to her??"

I never thought that I would ever have kids. It just wasn't something that I looked forward to in my life. I mean, it's not like I didn't want kids....it's just I could never picture myself as a parent. I was never the girl that said to herself "One day I want __ kids" If I was around friends who had babies, I didn't know what to say or how to act around them. I'd see other people just talking away to the baby or toddler and I would sit there all quiet. Then, when the parent expected me to talk to the baby, I just felt silly! I don't know if I'm making any sense here....and I know I'm rambling....I'm just nervous and afraid that I won't be a good mother. I know that a lot of women go through these emotions before the baby comes....but I guess that every woman also feels like she's the first one to feel that way, ya know? It's the never ending cycle I guess.

Another thing that I am looking forward to but also dreading is all the family that will be here. My parents are going to drive here once they get the phone call and be in the delivery room with me....as long as my labor lasts longer than 4 hours because that's how far away they are. Also, James' Aunt and Grandma will definetely be here. Then, his Dad and girlfriend are trying to fly in, plus his cousin and lastly my best friend is going to try and make it. I'm excited that our families will get a chance to meet finally and I'm excited because I know that everyone is going to me baking up a storm for us while they're here and bringing gifts and what not. But I'm dreading it because I've heard how families can be around new parents. I'll be grateful for advice and the help but I'm not looking forward to the "do it this way" "no, you have to do this" and pretty much being told what to do with my own baby and everyone thinking that their way is the right way. Again, I hope I'm making sense here....I'm not trying to sound bitchy or anything, but it's like the people who haven't taken care of a baby in 40 years feel as though they can tell you what to do and what not to do. I'm sure that everyone who's been a parent has some good advice and only means well, but I guess what I'm saying is, there's such a thing as being helpful and then there's over bearing......ya know?

However, it is family and family only means well so I know that I will just sit there and listen and nod at everything that is said. Because they all have to leave eventually! =^)

Well, this may be my last post for awhile but we'll see how the next week goes!

Wish me luck people!!

Very true stuff....IMHO

2009-03-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I got this great email today and I want to share it. Now, I realize that some may not agree with what I'm going to post here but it doesn't bother me because this is my personal blog and my personal opinions. If you don't agree then that's just fine because everyone is entitled to their own opinions. All I ask is for those of you that do not agree, please don't bother sending me mean comments because I will delete them. Feel free to send me comments of your point of view, but please leave the nastiness out of it. Thanks yall!

Oh! And for those of you that like what I am about to post, be sure to look at the bottom because it tells you where you can read more from this guy.

Enjoy!!!................

I’m Tired

Robert A. Hall

I’ll be 63 soon. Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce, and a six-month period when I was between jobs, but job-hunting every day, I’ve worked, hard, since I was 18. Despite some health challenges, I still put in 50-hour weeks, and haven’t called in sick in seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn’t inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, there’s no retirement in sight, and I’m tired. Very tired.
I’m tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth around" to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy or stupid to earn it.

I’m tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to "keep people in their homes." Sure, if they lost their jobs or got sick, I’m willing to help. But if they bought McMansions at three times the price of our paid-off, $250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the leftwing Congresscritters who passed Fannie and Freddie and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble help them—with their own money.

I’m tired of being told how bad America is by leftwing millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros and Hollywood entertainers who live in luxury because of the opportunities America offers. In thirty years, if they get their way, the United States will have the religious freedom and women’s rights of Saudi Arabia, the economy of Zimbabwe, the freedom of the press of China, the crime and violence of Mexico, the tolerance for Gay people of Iran, and the freedom of speech of Venezuela. Won’t multiculturalism be beautiful?

I’m tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honor;" of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren’t "believers;" of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery;" of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur’an and Shari’a law tells them to.

I believe "a man should be judged by the content of his character, not by the color of his skin." I’m tired of being told that "race doesn’t matter" in the post-racial world of President Obama, when it’s all that matters in affirmative action jobs, lower college admission and graduation standards for minorities (harming them the most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that hurts minorities more than anyone, and in the appointment of US Senators from Illinois. I think it’s very cool that we have a black president and that a black child is doing her homework at the desk where Lincoln wrote the emancipation proclamation. I just wish the black president was Condi Rice, or someone who believes more in freedom and the individual and less in an all-knowing government.

I’m tired of a news media that thinks Bush’s fundraising and inaugural expenses were obscene, but that think Obama’s, at triple the cost, were wonderful. That thinks Bush exercising daily was a waste of presidential time, but Obama exercising is a great example for the public to control weight and stress, that picked over every line of Bush’s military records, but never demanded that Kerry release his, that slammed Palin with two years as governor for being too inexperienced for VP, but touted Obama with three years as senator as potentially the best president ever.

Wonder why people are dropping their subscriptions or switching to Fox News? Get a clue. I didn’t vote for Bush in 2000, but the media and Kerry drove me to his camp in 2004.
I’m tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in America, while no American group is allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia to teach love and tolerance.

I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter live. Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore’s, and if you’re greener than Gore, you’re green enough.

I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses while they tried to fight it off? I don’t think Gay people choose to be Gay, but I damn sure think druggies chose to take drugs. And I’m tired of harassment from cool people treating me like a freak when I tell them I never tried marijuana.

I’m tired of illegal aliens being called "undocumented workers," especially the ones who aren’t working, but are living on welfare or crime. What’s next? Calling drug dealers, "Undocumented Pharmacists"? And, no, I’m not against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic and it’s been a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for my religion. I’m willing to fast track for citizenship any Hispanic person who can speak English, doesn’t have a criminal record and who is self-supporting without family on welfare, or who serves honorably for three years in our military. Those are the citize ns we need.

I’m tired of latte liberals and journalists, who would never wear the uniform of the Republic themselves, or let their entitlement-handicapped kids near a recruiting station, trashing our military. They and their kids can sit at home, never having to make split-second decisions under life and death circumstances, and bad mouth better people then themselves. Do bad things happen in war? You bet. Do our troops sometimes misbehave? Sure. Does this compare with the atrocities that were the policy of our enemies for the last fifty years—and still are? Not even close. So here’s the deal. I’ll let myself be subjected to all the humiliation and abuse that was heaped on terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, and the critics can let themselves be subject to captivity by the Muslims who tortured and beheaded Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, or the Muslims who tortured and murdered Marine Lt. Col. William Higgins in Lebanon, or the Muslims who ran the blood-spattered Al Qaeda torture rooms our troops found in Iraq, or the Muslims who cut off the heads of schoolgirls in Indonesia, because the girls were Christian. Then we’ll compare notes. British and American soldiers are the only troops in history that civilians came to for help and handouts, instead of hiding from in fear.

I’m tired of people telling me that their party has a corner on virtue and the other party has a corner on corruption. Read the papers—bums are bi-partisan. And I’m tired of people telling me we need bi-partisanship. I live in Illinois, where the "Illinois Combine" of Democrats and Republicans has worked together harmoniously to loot the public for years. And I notice that the tax cheats in Obama’s cabinet are bi-partisan as well..

I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of both parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
Speaking of poor, I’m tired of hearing people with air-conditioned homes, color TVs and two cars called poor. The majority of Americans didn’t have that in 1970, but we didn’t know we were "poor." The poverty pimps have to keep changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing.

I’m real tired of people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination, or big-whatever for their problems.
Yes, I’m damn tired. But I’m also glad to be 63. Because, mostly, I’m not going to get to see the world these people are making. I’m just sorry for my granddaughter.

Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts state senate. He blogs at www.tartanmarine.blogspot.com

P.S. Here's a very good quote that Robert Hall has on his blog that I would like to include on here.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. --Thomas Jefferson

Stupid weather!

2009-03-03T05:53:00.000-08:00

So I am in week 36 and I wish this kid would hurry the hell up and pop out! haha. I just really really want my body back. I'm tired of sharing =^). Plus, I'm starting to get sick now and that really blows since I can't really do much, medication wise. I think it's because of this weather we're having. This time last week it actually felt really nice outside, then starting on Sunday, it gets freezing outside. We only got like an inch of snow here but the temp dropped down to the mid 20s and the windchill was like 15 degrees. BLAH!

James is in Indiana until this Saturday and has been since the sunday before last so I'm stuck alone in my apartment again. This weekend was nice though because my momma surprised me and came to visit for the weekend. It was so nice because she's been the one I've complained to the most about never feeling like I get any help and I wish James would pamper me just a little. And that's what she came here to do. She made me these tiny ham sandwiches that I love and would refill my drink if it was empty and clean out the litter box and wash the dishes. It was just so awesome to have her here with me for a couple days. I also got her hooked on Gilmore Girls! We had all these plans to go out and do all these errands that I've been putting off, but it rained all weekend and it was cold so we just decided to stay in most of the time. She taught me how to knit and got me a crocheting kit so I can learn how to do that too. We did get a couple errands out of the way but after 2 hours, we just wanted to go back to my place, throw on some comfy clothes and watch Gilmore Girls. =^)

It sucked so bad when she had to leave though. When I got back to my apartment after she left, it just felt so empty and I just sat down and started crying my eyes out. I miss my family so damn much! I can't wait to get out of the military because I want to move back to my hometown. I told James that night that I didn't think that I could stand another 4 years being that far away from my family.

But anyways, Catherine is dancing on my bladder again so I gotta run to the bathroom.

Have a good week everyone!!!

second post today

2009-02-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I know it's not actually Wednesday but I thought these question were funny and I am bored at work......so here it goes =^)

1.) Tell us something that to you is weird about your significant other. (If single, pick an ex) It can be a personality quirk, a hobby, a habit, a ritual etc but just make sure it's something you find odd about them.
ok, well my husband has this thing about new warm laundry. As soon as I bring the laundry in he'll run in, like an exicted 8 year old, and grab one of his clean shirts, throw off the one he's wearing an put the other one on. And yes, I'm sure that other's do that too BUT they way he does it is sooo funny. He puts the shirt on super slow and has the silliest look on his face and makes this noise...like a mix between "ahhhhhhh" and "yessssss." hehe, he's a goofball!

2.) What are 3 songs that you find sexy?

Um, wow this is a harder one.....I'd have to say most of Usher's songs back in the day. Like a woman(don't remember who it's by, but it's a country song, and it's relatively new) and Come to bed by Gretchen Wilson.

3.) After your partner goes down on you, do they have to brush their teeth/rinse with mouthwash before meeting your mouth again or do things just roll on?

well, we finish bumping uglies but I don't let him near my mouth again! haha. He sticks to the neck area and whatnot and rinses out his mouth after the hear between the sheets. =^)

4.) Is it ever okay to go ass to mouth without cleaning in between? (Anal sex to oral sex. Licking the anus to kissing. Etc )

NO. Enough said. But honestly, I don't go anywhere near his hairy ass and he doesn't go near mine. That it a huge no no. haha

5.) If you were going to give yourself a "Most Likely To..." award for this week, what would your title be?

clean the apartment. I'll probably ask hubby to do it but I'll end up doing it anyways.

6.) Do you read any self-help books? If so, which is your favorite? If not, why not?

Well, the only one I've actually bought and read "He's Just Not That into You." I didn't need to advice, I'm just a huge SATC fan and new the book was going to be funny and intriging. Which it was....and so was the movie.

7.) Do you prefer to buy porn, sex toys, lube and things of that nature in a store or discreetly online? Why?

Um, well the hubby and I have bought toys and whatnot at the store. But I made him actually buy the stuff. I'm always afraid that if I order it that it'll say on the box what the contents are.

8.) List these things in order from what you find most sexy to least sexy: Money, Loyalty, Sense of humor, Intelligence, Kindness, Romantic, Open-mindedness, Kinky, Honesty.

Loyalty. Sense of humor. Honesty. Intelligence. Romantic. Kindness. Open-midedness. Kinky. Money.

To me, none of that is "least sexy" it's just in the order of importance to me.

It's a good day tator

2009-02-09T05:13:00.000-08:00

So, today I am happy. I haven't been really happy in awhile......I've mostly just been scared or mad or frustrated or sad. But today, I am none of those things....THANK HEAVANS =^)

Here's what happened.....Thursday morning, baby momma texts James saying "can you take madeline?" and that was it. After repeatedly trying, he finally got ahold of her on her house phone and she tells him that her dad(who she lives with) and the rest of her family all think she needs some sort of help. They think that for one, she needs a break from being a mother and 2, that she is depressed and bipolar and want her to get professional help. So James says yes, of course, he'd love to have Madeline. He tells me that we're getting Madeline and that we are going to be driving up to New York the next day to pick her up.

My reaction?......."what the hell??"

I started to look into daycares right away and then when I got off work at 12 I asked him to go to lunch with me so we could talk. I had a shitload of questions to ask him and I wanted to know how we were planning on doing this without screwing ourselves. So, we were driving and I'm asking him questions about day care and child support and sleeping arrangment because we only have a 2 bedroom and the spare is set up for a baby at the moment. I was asking about the legalities so baby momma doesn't try and screw us over and so on and so forth. Well, he answers them in very short sentences or says, I don't know....and it was mostly the latter....and I started getting frustrated with him. I was trying to think things through and make sure we were going to be able to support her and make Madeline's transition easier. But it seemed like all James was thinking was, "awesome, I'm getting my daughter." Him thinking that is okay but the problem was that he wasn't thinking anywhere PAST that. He wasn't thinking about all the little details that were going to be involved with having Madeline stay with us.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was happy that baby momma was going to let James take Madeline but I was scared shitless too. I'm 7 and 1/2 months pregnant with my first child and still trying to figure out how we're going to adapt to that one AND James is leaving 2 weeks from today for some other kind of training for 2 weeks. So that means I would be left with a confused 3 year old who is just being pushed from people to people and I don't know how to entertain a 3 year old or what they eat or anything.

Back to my original point....James wasn't thinking about any of this and wasn't planning for any of it. I mean, if he could have at least reassured me that things were going to be okay and that he was handeling it then I would have felt better about the whole situation. But he wasn't. He wasn't talking to me and filling me in on what was going on in his head. And yes I know that guys do that a lot....but this was too big a situation for him to keep me out of the loop like he was.

Then, he gets all mad at me because I'm frustrated with him(....see a pattern developing?) And he starts saying things like "I shouldn't be fighting about anything right now! I should be happy that I'm getting my daughter!" , "What....do you not want to have her here?" , "Fuck it, I'll tell [baby momma] that you have a problem with me keeping my daughter!"

That's when I started crying and telling him that for one, I do want her here but I also want him to man the fuck up and start reassuring me that we can handle this. I told him how all we've been doing is fighting and that's gotta change before we have a child around and that I needed him to open up and actually talk to me for once. I said that I feel like I'm always the one talking. Everytime I say we need to talk then he says "ok so talk." I do the talking, I do the opening up. He just sits there! Anyhoo.....I told him to get out of my car and I went home. He texted me like 5 minutes later and said "I'm sick of fucking fighting over little shit all the damn time." So, I fired back with "and I'm sick of feeling alone and not feeling loved. I have been stressed this entire pregnancy and you haven't done a damn thing to help. So fuck you."

Well, I believe that finally got to him. He got hom from work a couple hours later and the first thing he did was come up to me and give me a hug and finally talked. He said he was sorry for making me feel like I was alone and so stressed out. He admitted that he needed to step up more for me and take away some of the stress. He said that me and the baby are the most important things to him and he never wants me to doubt that. There's more, but that was the gist of the conversation. Also, turns out that baby momma changed her mind again because she didn't want to stop the child support. So she wasn't letting James take Madeline.

But for the last 3 days, he's been attentive and including me in his life more and actually letting me know what's going through his head.....for instance, he wants to start fighting for full custody of Madeline. We've talked about it and we have plenty of stuff on baby momma to make a good case, so we're going to see what we can do.

So, things are starting to look up and I'm in a better mood today than I have been in awhile. Also, since I've had so much time on my hands lately, I'm trying to find some hobbies that I can do. Some of the things I've always wanted to try are going to have wait until the baby gets here....like taking a kickboxing class or working part time at the horse stables here. But some things I want to try now are taking a cooking class....I really need the tips! haha. Or learning how to play the guitar. Or writing again....and I mean poems and stories and whatnot.

So what are some of yall's hobbies? I'd love to hear them and maybe steal an idea or two =^)

dealing with it

2009-02-05T05:04:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone. There's not much to write about at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm still having the same issues as before. I know it's due to the damn horomones and I can't wait for them to go away.

I feel like I'm dealing with all of this alone. James and I keep fighting because he thinks I'm too emotional, but all I want is for him to act like this is something amazing and to be excited about it. I have no family here or any close friends to talk to. I call them but it's just not the same as being able to be with them. I think that's part of the reason why I'm so needy towards James. He's my only real support out here, and he keeps pulling away.

All I want is a little reassurance that everything is going to be okay and work out. I'm so scared of what's to come in the next few months. I don't know how to take care of a baby. Hell, I've never even changed a diaper. Babysitting was not something I did growing up. I worked with food and adults!

I don't want to keep fighting with him. Especially with a baby around. I don't want to be that couple that constantly fights around thier kid. I don't want Catherine to grow up thinking that there's anything wrong with her or that any of it is her fault. I just want us to be a happy family and work together and get along.

I am sick of being sad right now. I want to be happy.

Sad

2009-01-23T03:54:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. Let me start off by saying that I hope everyone is having a good friday.

Yeah.....my last post was one big rant....and even though I thought I got it all out there, I'm still mad. Well....actually, I'm kinda sad today. My mom told me to kick the horomones ass and I tried, I really did. But then James got home yesterday and showed me the pictures from his trip. All of the one's with Madeline were extremely cute....she's such a pretty little girl....but there were two pitures that bothered me to no end. Two of them were of the three of them...as in, James, Madeline and baby momma. And I know some people may think that I'm over reacting but it hurt so damn bad to see the three of them together....like a happy little family. I seriously never realized how hard it was going to be to deal with the fact that he has another family....and I'm not apart of it. I know there are plenty of people out there who aren't with their baby mommas or daddies.....it's fairly common....but I've never been put in this situation before. But part of the reason why it bugs me so much is because we are married now and expecting....it's not like I'm just his girlfriend, because if I were, I'd understand him wanting to meet her alone. But I wanted to share that huge moment in his life WITH him. Even if I couldn't go, him just asking me to be there would've made me feel like he wanted to share it with me.

Also, I must be a horrible person because alot of times, I wish he didn't have another kid. I don't hate Madeline, I really don't. She's so cute and sweet and I'm glad she got to see her daddy.....but I just wish that this kid that I'm having was OUR first...not just MY first. You know? It makes me so sad to see pictures of all of them and know that they were all laughing together, sitting together and watching THEIR daughter laugh and play. And I was at home, alone, sitting on my ass hoping that I'd get a phone call from him telling me how much fun he's having and that he wishes I was there. Never got that phone call.

I really didn't think it was possible to hate a person this much. Actually, until now, I don't think I've ever truely hated someone.....but her.....I hate with a passion. I hate that she has a part of James' life for the rest of her life, I hate that no matter where we go or what we do in the future baby momma will know about it and will put her 2 cents in and she will always have that special bond with James because of Madeline.

Maybe it's just the horomones and maybe I'll stop being this sad and depressed and angry once the baby comes......God I hope so. I don't think I can take feeling like this anymore. It takes way too much out of me.

Once again, people may think that I'm overreacting, but this is how I feel at the moment.

Irritated tuesday

2009-01-20T05:31:00.000-08:00

So today is not a good day and it's only 0830. The only good that could happen today would be the few inches of snow they are calling for. I love the snow and I really hope that we get some.

Anyways, so James is still in New York and is now wanting to stay till Friday. He said he'd be back today but not anymore! And it's not like I can really get mad at him or ask him to come home because he's with his daughter and I'd end up being a selfish bitch. So, now I am stuck in a pissed off place and without him for the rest of the week.

See, I don't mind at all that he's with his daughter. I think that part is great and I am so happy that he's bonding with her. However, it also means he's with the bitch BM. OH! And btw.....she sent me a message on myspace the day after she saw him that said stuff like "they bonded so quick." and "thanks for supporting James in meeting Madeline" blah blah blah......the message was all nice and sweet until the last part. And being as pregnant as I am....it reeeeeaaaallly got to me. She said, and I quote......

"4th of july is a good time for james to conceive children lol that is the day i conceived madeline and he told me thats when the 2 of you conceived your lil girl thought that was funny.but anyways write back when you can sweetie :) "

yeah....that's copy and paste right there. But can someone please explain to me when is it EVER ok to tell your baby daddy's pregnant wife what day yall fucked? I swear she is either just stupid as hell or she wrote it to deliberately piss me off. And why he's telling her when we did it too? I have no idea. Maybe it's just the horomones but I'm seriously irritated and sick of him being with BM everynight.

Listen, I've never been the jealous type but since I've been pregnant, my biggest fear is now cheating. I know some of it will go away when Catherine arrives and the horomones settle down but I think now that I have a husband and child that it will always be on the top of my fears list. And even though he's never given me a reason to believe that he'd cheat on me, I still see and hear about other's who did cheat and no one ever expected them to. Like one of my good friends has been with this guy for a little over a year now. And this guy has been in love with her forever. Since they were both like 14. Anyways, he slept with someone else not too long ago and it shocked the hell out of me and everyone else. They are still together because she decided to give him another chance.....but damn! I couldn't do that. I believe that if James ever slept with someone else, I could never look at him again, let alone sleep in the same bed. Another fear of mine is not knowing. Him cheating and if not getting back to me. I don't think I can really explain this one but all I know is that it scares me.

Ok, sorry guys. I didn't mean to write the entire about cheating and lying....haha. I'm just sad and irritated and lonely and jealous that BM is getting all this extra time with James and I'm not. I know he's not there to see her but it stills hurts and I can't help but second guess everything he or she says to me.

Fucking horomones.

Today is my friday =^)

2009-01-15T06:45:00.000-08:00

So I'm in a good mood today. Why? Well, thanks for asking.....=^)

I'm excited about this weekend because my parents are coming in town for like a total of 28 hours. They are driving here on Saturday morning and leaving sunday afternoon. I wish they could stay for a few days but I'll take what I can get. Do yall wanna know what the FIRST thing we'll do is? Go to the liquer store. haha. I don't drink....obviously....but liquer on base is a hell of alot cheaper than in a civilian store. So my daddy will want to immediately go to the NEX and stock up on cheap Crown Royal and Gin and Vodka to take home with him. He makes me pick up like 5 bottles of liquer whenever I plan on coming home....which didn't use to be a big deal but now since I'm, ya know, 30 weeks prego, I kind of get stared at funny. I always try and point out that I'm not the one drinking it but it still looks bad.....haha.....oh well.

Anyways, so it's also nice that they are coming in because it's a long weekend and my husband is driving to New York tonight until next tuesday or wednesday to visit his daughter. I never had a ton of friends here anyways, but now that I can't actually go out and have fun, I have even less people to hang out with. So it'll be awesome to have some company, other than my 2 cats, this weekend.

But speaking of visiting family, I just realized that I never told yall about my husband's kid. Her name is Madeline, or Maddie for short and she will be 3 at around the same time I pop this kid out. This will be the first time he even sees her in person. Ok, here's a little backround.....James and this chick BM(babymomma) dated for like 3 weeks the summer before he left for the Navy. He was off again with his on again off again girlfriend at the time and was partying and drinking all the time....who wasn't, I mean he was just an 18 year old kid just out of high school. Anyways, BM was also off again with some guy she'd been hooking up with for a couple years. So James and his girlfriend got back together and that was the end of BM....so he thought. This was all back in 2005 by the way.....THEN in the beginning of 2007, he gets word from a friend back home that BM is going around telling everyone that he's a daddy. The bitch knew it was his from the beginning, but didn't want her boyfriend to leave her so she let him think is was his and I guess he finally put 2 and 2 together and realized that Maddie looked just like James or heard about what she was saying or something. But it resulted in him breaking up with her and her coming after James for all the back child support that he owed. So he took a paternity test, finds out that he is in fact a daddy and then became like $4,000 in debt to BM.

Which let me take a moment to bitch about women like her.....FUCK THEM! OMG I hate women who fuck guys over like that. Yes, you are entitled to child support and any kind of help that you want, HOWEVER, you don't just lie for almost 2 years and then decide to tell the guy that he is in fact a father THEN attack him for all the child support from the time that he didn't know! If you tell the father you are pregnant and then he bails.....yes, go after the scumbag for money. If you are just a lying bitch who just wants to party and drink and pawn your kid off of everyone else, and you are STILL demanding all this money, then you are a worthless bitch. I HATE women like this!

Back to BM specifically....I hate her! Not because she had his child first.....which, I will admit, hurts from time to time, but I think it just the horomones.....but because she's an ill fit parent. Let me explain why I believe this before anyone says anything.

1. She parties constantly and wastes her money on things like alcohol all the time and since BM was living with her father, she just pawed Maddie off on him.

2. She's immature and makes stupid threats and tried to start crap with me. My husband went to Mississippi for training a few months ago and while he was gone she decided to start crap with me. She IMed me on myspace and at first the convo was friendly. Then it turned sad(on her side). I mean, she was saying stuff like "oh, I don't think I can do this anymore" "I should've gotten an abortion like James told me to"(which he didn't because he didn't even know he had a kid til Maddie was almost 1!) "it's too hard" "I think I'm going to give her up for adoption because I wanna go out and party and have fun" (her EXACT WORDS!) Let me just say how selfish that is AND how stupid. James has partial custody and never signed his paternal rights away so the dumb bitch can not give her up for adoption without HIS consent. Then the convo turned mean. She started to say crap like "he still loves me ya know" "he still tells me that he misses me and wants to be with me" and before I could say anything back to her, she signed off. So she was trying to fuck with my emotions now and trying to get a rise out of me. Well....she did....I was still in my 1st trimester and it was my birthday so I was all alone and extremely hormonal. I call James crying and screaming that if that dumb bitch fucks with me again that I was going to drive to New York my self and fuck her up. Anyways, my whole point in this one was to say that she constantly makes stupid threats and actually tells us she doesn't want to be a parent because all she wants to do is party and get drunk.

3. This is the last one. The way she brings news guys(and girls) around Maddie....and I don't mean introducing them as a friend. Introducing them and a whole lot more. She was in love with the guy who thought he was the dad. POOF, he disappears from Maddie's life. Then there were 2 or 3 other guys that BM brought around as "new daddies" and then POOF they disappear. Then she hooked up with her roomate's girlfriend(lesbians) and that's the new important person in mommy's life according to Maddie. And now she's with some douche named Kyle, who after 3 weeks, she's already got Maddie trained to call him "daddy." One of two things could happen here(hell, both are possible). One, it could fuck with Maddie's head....it could confuse her and ultimately screw her up in ways that we won't know about until she's older. And two, it could totally backfire on BM. I've heard this come from a friend's mouth when I was roughly 15 or 16 and I'm sure lots of you have......Maddie could grow up saying "Oh great, mom's got another new boyfriend over." "Can I stay with you, I don't wanna see mom's newest fling." You know what I mean?

There's so much more I could write about her but I'm getting angry just thinking about her. Grrrrrr!

haha ok, so this turned out to be a whole lot longer than I thought it would be. Well, I need to go pick up mail now so I'm out.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Short week....woo hoo!

2009-01-12T04:47:00.000-08:00

So I have a four day work week this week which is awesome! We have next monday off for Martin Luther King Jr day but my CO made an awesome rule that anytime we have a 3 day weekend....he will automatically extend it to a 4 day weekend. My boss rocks!

Anyways, I I wanna take some time here and bitch. I want to bitch and moan about being pregnant! I don't have many girlfriends and I can only bitch to my momma so many times. For one, the stretch marks. I know there are quite a few women who hardly get any or none at all....but I am def. NOT one of em =^( I try and take prego pictures and I can't actually show my belly in them because they look soooo nasty and red and gross. Plus, I'm starting to get these weird ones behind my knees on the inside of my legs. They're little but still ugly. I try cocoa butter and whatnot but it's not really doing anything. I guess that I'm just one of the unlucky women who have to deal with the nasty strectness.

2nd thing I hate about being pregnant.....shaving! I shave like once every week or 2....yes, it's gross I know....but it's also painful. I hate standing for that long and bending over. I've tried to take baths and do it but that doesn't really work because I can't get the angles right. I mean, to shave the back of my leg I'd have to lift and HOLD my leg in the air....and let's face it...if you've been pregnant, then you know that ain't gonna work! haha. So I warned my husband weeks and weeks ago that he better not complain once that my legs are hairy or I was going to shave his nipples. =^)

3rd thing I hate about being pregnant....my indecisiveness(sp?). Okay, so I don't know how many other women have had this problem......can't decide what to eat. I know lots of women get cravings and have to have that food now but I haven't gotten any cravings yet. See, I'll get hungry and really really want some food but I will have NO clue what I want. My husband gets so annoyed because I will sit there and bitch about being hungry for hours and simply not eat. He'll throw out ideas, but nothing ever sounds that good. So half the time I will go to bed hungry because I can't figure out what I want and I'd rather stay hungry than eat something I'm not sure about. hahaha it drived my husband friggin nuts!

4th thing I hated. I'm using past tense because they finally went away, or else it'd be number 1 on my list. The headaches. And I'm not talking about the everyday 10 minute long headache that people learn to deal with when working or at school or whatever. I'm talking about painful, can't walk or talk or move or breath and crying my eyes out migranes! OH MY GOD! I thought I was going to die yall! I never had a headache that bad before. I know migranes are actually a disease or something to that effect, so it may not have been full blown migranes BUT these were just as painful. If I walked the 80feet from my car to my desk, as soon as I would sit down it when the headache would start....and it would POUND! People thought I was just being the "emotional pregnant lady" because I was crying but I was crying because I was begging for it to stop and go away. Of course the only thing I was allowed to take was tylenol which didn't do shit for me. And the doctor told me that there wasn't really anything they could do either. These things lasted on and off everyday, all day for weeks. Plus the heat didn't help at the time. Summer is the worst time to be pregnant, I swear to God! So to be having my first trimester in July and August and September(which was just as hot at August) with all those early symptoms, like nausea and headaches.....I never want want to do it again! I wouldn't wish those kinds of headaches on my worst enemy! haha

Well, I think those are my biggest complaints so far from being pregnant. I still have 2 and a half months to go so I'll update that list....I'm sure I'll have more to bitch about =^)

Hope everyone has a good week yall!

Guess who's back.......

2009-01-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. So I took a little hiatus(sp?) from blogging. So much was going on with me and my family and my boyfriend. But I keep getting comments from people asking me what's going on because they see me commenting on other people's blogs.....so here I am =^)

As some of you may know, I am pregnant. I'm 30 weeks along and it is with the guy that I was bitching about in my last post. We are still together and doing good. But let me back up a little and explain.....

I ended my last post kinda angry talking about what a douchbag my boyfriend is. Well, that was true....but I'm also a bitch. I know I've been kind of vague on describing our relationship but that's only because I don't want to bitch about him and make it look like he's a horrible person because he's really not. We both are just very strongminded and stubborn and can be really mean when we fight. To understand us, you'd have to actually know us. I hope I'm making some sense here.

So, here is my disclaimer.....if I come on here bitching about him, please keep in mind that this is MY blog. And I don't mean that I don't want yall's comments. What I mean by "my blog" is that it's mine, not his. So, here I'm allowed to bitch and moan and whine about him. It'll help me from ripping my hair out or kicking him in the nuts =^). This blog will help me get my aggression out and calm myself down. Also, I think I'm entitled to be a little one sided on here if I want, because once again, this is my blog, not his. He doesn't know about it so it lets me vent without fear of hurting him or pissing him off.

Ok, so now that I have THAT out of the way, on to some other things......

Yes, we were fighting back when I left off, but we have a way of yelling and saying mean things to each other, then not talking for a day or so then we both apologize for everything that was said. Some people may not find this healthy or whatever but I love the man and have loved him for the last 2 and a half years. It kind of reminds me of the couple's relationship in the notebook. They scream and holler at each other but they were crazy about each other =^).

We got pregnant on July 4th.....how do I know the exact date? Well, let's just say that our good buddy Jack Daniels was involved in making that happen. And we got married on November 12th on our 2 year anniversary. Even though it wasn't planned(most aren't anyways) I am excited to be having a little girl. She is due March 30 and I am getting more excited and nervous and scared every day. We are naming her Catherine Mae. Catherine was my husband's mom's name, and she died of cancer when he was about 16 so he really wanted to name her after her. And Mae is my middle name and my momma's middle name and my mamaw's middle name and my great mamaw's middle name....I think you get the picture.

Anyhoo....someone was asking if I was still deploying....sadly, no. I didn't get to go because of Catherine. I didn't want to be away from my family and friends for 6 months anyways, but the money I was going to be making would've been very nice. I get out this summer and we are still debating on whether or not my husband is going to stay in. If he gets these orders that he really wants then he will stay in for another 4 years but if not then he's going to get out and go to the police force. Even though I would LOVE for him to get out also and for us to move back to my hometown...I know that it's a smarter decision for him to stay in for another 4 years......damn recession. Him staying in will give us a little more stability financially and it'll also give me some wiggle room for school.

Alrighty yall......it's about lunchtime and I am starving! So thank you to those who were wondering how I was doing! I'll update again soon! <3

WOW

2008-05-16T04:37:00.000-07:00

So, remember when I said that things were going good with me and the boyfriend??

Scratch that.

I think I am single.

Because he is a jealous son of a bitch who can't accept that people aren't perfect. He's allowed to say whatever he wants, he's allowed to say the meanest possible things to me, to make me feel like I'm two inches tall. But I can't say anything at all to him. Fuck. That. Bullshit. I finally got sick and tired of it and said the one thing I KNOW would piss him off the most.

So that resulted in him in my face talking more shit. Him packing a bag and peacing out. My take on all this? Good riddins motherfucker.

Damn birds!

2008-05-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

So, like a said in my last post...I was attacked by like 3 birds not too long ago. I think they thought I killed thier buddy or something but I swear it wasn't me!!

Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself....so I was on duty on a Saturday a couple weeks ago and me and the other 2 guys on watch with me were hungry. So we decided to go grab breakfast at Wendy's before colors went down(the raising of the flag at 0800). One guy stayed behind and me and the other guy went. Well...on our way back I'm driving right beside another car and this bird divebombs in front of our cars. I see the little guy getting too close and just KNOW that one of us was going to hit him. He made it past my car but then hit the tire of the person beside me and the next thing I know the bird flies(not because HE was flying, but because he did a circle AROUND the tire) in the air. I look in my rearview mirror and see him hit the ground....I was so upset!!! The guy in the car with me was laughing because I was sad about the poor little bird getting hit. I can't stand to see animals get hit by cars, let alone, me hitting them. I cried when I hit a bunny a couple years ago. I know, I'm a big baby. Anyways....

So we get back to the command and eat our breakfast burritos. Then at 0755 I head outside to do colors. Well, as I'm trying to hook up the flag to the hoisty thing I hear these loud screeches from the bushes to my left and right. I look to my left and all of a sudden this bird comes flying STRAIGHT towards my face at full speed! I duck and he flies into the bush on my right. I was staring at the bushes like "WTF??" Then, 2 more come flying out of the bush that the other one just flew into heading towards me AGAIN! I ducked once more and cursed at the damn birds yelling at them that I didn't kill their friend. Then the music for colors started playing, I hoisted the flag up and saluted. But I had to keep saluting until the song was over so while I'm standing there I'm looking out of the corner of my eye, paranoid that they were going to attack me again! The second the song was over I ran inside and told the guys what had just happened. And they just burst into laughter.

I, on the other hand, didn't think it was too funny. The birds probably have a hit out on me now.

Update*

2008-05-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

Hello again everyone! I always seem to post one then dissappear for a couple weeks again. My bad! I have a good excuse for my no posting tho....really! I promise! =^)

I've been hella busy at work these past few weeks. My office buddy is getting out of the military *sniff*sniff* and today is his last day. But for the last few weeks he's been turning all of his work over to me. So I have my normal workload, which has always kept me busy but a steady busy ya know? Now I have his workload too which just makes my day hectic...I mean really hectic. I have a whole new group of people from my command coming up to me and asking me all the questions that they use to ask him plus the group that has always come to me.....when will the madness stop?? At first I wasn't really wanting to deploy this year but now I'm kinda looking forward to it. Not only will the money be great but then certain tasks that I have here, I won't have when I'm overseas. SO the madness will be like this for 6 more months, then I'm outta here for 6 months.....then I'm OUT!! WOO HOO!! It's getting so close I can feel it. I mean, there is nothing wrong with being in, but it's not something that I can see myself doing as my career. Everyone at work thinks I'm going to change my mind and stay in because everyone says that they want out but re-up instead. My response? Hell. No. haha

When I get out I'm going to go to school full time and work part time. If boyfriend and I are still together he says that he'll re-enlist for 4 years of shore duty so I don't have to worry about working 40hrs a week and school.

Speaking of boyfriend....things have been really great lately with us. We were in a rough patch....a really rough patch. lol. But things are turning around and he hasn't been getting all jealous on me. When things get bad I always try to remember what my mom says about relationships.

"There are going to be days that you love the person. But there will also be plenty of days when you feel like stabbing the person. That doesn't mean you don't love them. You're human and when you live with someone and spend THAT much time with someone then, yes, there will be days when you love them but don't like them."

I completely understand what she means too. It's not like he beats me or truely controls me. He can be a jealous S.O.B and sometimes I just want to slap him. But since we've been together I can see the things he changed to accomodate me and I've done the same for him. I've worked on my anger and my stubborness(which use to be REALLY bad) because I knew that it just caused problems. I've gotten better at admitting when I'm wrong and voicing my opinions without screaming. He's gotten better about getting to know some of my friends before he jumping to conclusions and he's worked on talking to me and not bailing when he gets pissed. Of course we still get into screaming matches sometimes because we are both stubborn but it doesn't happen often.

Anyways....so lately we've been househunting(to rent, not buy) and we found the cutest house in our price range. It has a sun room, and big jacuzzi tub, a converted garage into a family room and the window sticks out like a little nook. It has great potential to be a really great home.

But we aren't going to get it. =^( The neighborhood sucks so much! Right now we live in apts that have robbings every other day and James carries a gun on him most days. That is why we are trying to steer clear of areas like that. The house we looked at is across the street from these apts that have the same kind of problems as our current apt. It was such a disappointment because the house is adorable...I wish I could just pick it up and set it back down in a nice little neighborhood.

Well, I have to go PT right now. Have a good week yall!!

Oh!!! And btw.....next time I have to tell yall about me getting attacked by birds the other day!

Drunk conversations with my neighbor

2008-04-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

So my neighbor Jen is such a goofy drunk. We were just sitting around playing some drinking games like asshole and ring of fire and whatnot and she had her baby at the babysitter's for the night. Well....that means that she was free to get toasty...and toasty she was! haha

It gets to be around 2am and everyone is just kind of relaxing and talking to one another and I step outside to smoke and I hear Jen holler my name.

Jen "OMG Guess what!"

Me "What?"

Jen "You know how awesome I am??"(and she sounded truely exicted about answering that!)

Me "How awesome are you Jen?"

Jen "I am sooooo awesome that if you were to go to college and major in ME(her voice went up a couple octaves on that one) Then you could be a millionaire JUST by being only half as good as me!!"

Me "Is that so?"

Jen "YEAH! If you were to only take 'Jen 101' and no other 'Jen' classes then you'd still be making millions. That is prercisely how awesome I am!"

Me "Wow! That's cool...I think I'll enroll first thing Monday!"

Jen "Damn straight!! You'll be a millionaire in no time at all!"

haha I love my neighbors. Especially since all 15 mexicans moved out (actually we got them evicted) a month or so ago.

Happy monday yall!!!

one year mark

2008-04-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have to write about this today. This time last year was a very hard week for me. April 16th the VT shooting happened and I live(hometown) about 30 mins from there and know a countless amount of people who go there. April 17th, my grandfather past away. Needless to say, I shed alot of tears this time last year.

First, I want to talk about my grandfather. I will never forget the last conversation I had with him. Last year since I won a special award at my command I got to choose when I got a 4 day weekend. I knew my grandfather wasn't doing that well so this time last year I requested a monday and tuesday off. So I get home and spent time with my family and my grandfather...he had been in the hospital for a few day at this point. The sunday before he past my brother and I went to the hospital to see him. This is what happened as soon as we walked into the room...

Me "Hey grandpa!"

Him "I need my thermas!!"

Bro "umm, it's on the table behind you grandpa."

Him "I know and I can't reach it and I have to pee really bad!"
(since he can't get up to go to the bathroom they had him peeing in this big red thermus)

me "umm, I'm just gonna step outside real quick and let you do your thing grandpa."

It was just so funny considering the circumstances.....it lightened the mood in the room. We sat with him for I don't even know how long and just talked. I was difficult to sit there and talk like nothing was wrong but it was even more difficult to not cry. I was determined not to make it hard on him by crying in front of him.

The very next day

The very next day is when the Virginia Tech shootings happened. I was so scared all day long because I knew so many people that were there. My brother for one and his best friend whom I was very close to also. Plus since I live so close to the school, almost half of every graduating class in my high school attends there. Later when we found out that most of it happened in that 1 classroom I freaked out even more because a very good friend was in that class....or was supposed to be. Him and some of his frat brothers were all hungover and decided not to show up that day. It's really crazy how drinking and being hungover possible saved his life. That was a horrible monday. And it didn't get that much better the next day.

Tuesday I had to leave to come back to Norfolk. As I was saying goodbye to my mom around noon my dad called to tell her that my grandfather had developed fluid in his lungs and wasn't doing well at all. She tried to assure me that everything was ok and sent me on my way. My whole way home tho I had this horrible feeling. When I got to my barracks that night I unpacked took a shower and took a couple of tylenol pms so I could sleep. If I didn't then all my worrying was going to keep me up all nite.

I woke up to a voicemail that morning from my dad telling me that my grandfather past away around 10 the night before. I went to work told my command and was back in my home town by 11:30am. It didn't even really hit me until the viewing. As soon as I walked into the room and saw him laying there, so lifeless...i completely lost it. I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out.

My whole point in this post was to say that my grandfather was such a great man, a great person. He loved my grandmother for over 40 years, loved his 3 sons and all of his grandkids. He was an extremely good work ethic, was apart of the Lions club and president of it. He helped with the community and took good care of his horses. I love and miss him very much and just wanted to make it known.

2008-04-17T04:04:00.000-07:00

Ok so yesterday the end of my post got cut off for some wierd reason and then I tried to post just the end of it and it came out blank! Damn work computers! Oh well....lets see if it works THIS time.

what I'd like to be doing in 25 years would be.......living in that 4 bedroom log cabin that I was talking about before with my horses and hubby. I would also have a spidermonkey, a pug, a few cats and some bunnies =^). What? I'm an animal person! I'd be in a career that I'd love waking up for everyday and have 5 kids and bunches of grandkids.

Wow, I just read over that and I just realized that that was alot! haha. Well, I would make this longer but I gotta go PT in a min....gotta get rid of the winter layer of fat. Or in my case...a few layers!

2008-04-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

2008-04-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

What I was doing 10 years ago - (1998): Well I was 11 so I was just going to school and playing softball for my middle school.

...Five things on my to-do list today:
1. Pt because I am getting FAT
2. Pick up uniforms from cleaners since I have duty on friday....BLAH
3. Cook dinner for the boyfriend and I
4. Clean bedroom because I was mad this morning about not finding a certain shirt and threw clothes everywhere! haha
5. Do my 20 minute ab workout

Five Snacks I enjoy:
1. Cheezits will be the death of me
2. Skittles
3. Apples
4. My daddy's chexmix
5. String cheese =^)

Five Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Buy my daddy the old school muscle car he always wanted
2. Pay off both my grandmother's and my parent's houses for them.
3. Buy a cozy 4 bedroom log cabin in the woods near a lake....oooh with horses!!
4. Go to an expensive university and pay in CASH! rock on!!
5. Buy myself out of my militart contract.

Five of my bad habits:
1. I am the worst procrastinator EVER
2. I bite my nails
3. I'm very indecisive
4. I can be hella lazy...and probably could win the gold if there was such a thing
5. I rub my eyes alot even when they don't itch or anything. I'm gonna be blind by the time I'm 35 haha

Five places I have lived:
1. Virginia till I was 18
2. Chicago till I was 19
3. then a DIFF part of VA...still here
4. Well I WILL be living in Bahrain for 6 months soon...does that count?

Five jobs I’ve had:
1. I worked the picnics at a baseball stadium from 14 to 16 years old
2. Sonic from 16 to 18
3. MacNbob's(restuarant) on and off from 17 to 18
4. Arby's for a week(i ate too much food there and didn't wanna get fat)
5. Bojangles for a week because the boss was a complete DICK
6. And now the Navy for the last 3 years

What I’d like to be doing in 25 years:

2008-04-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

So, I was in a crappy mood up until yesterday so I think that I can type with out sounding like the sailor I am! haha.

Anyways, so last friday boyfriend and I finally talk...er....when I say talk, I mean scream. He didn't understand why I was still pissed off at him and why I wouldn't tell him what upset me the week before.

I'll spare the details of our screamfest.

Well, after all was said and done I had to get out of there. So I got in my car and I went to this country bar/club near our apartments to let off some steam. Now, I haven't two stepped or line danced in a LONG time so when this guy asked me to dance with him I was a little freaked out. I told him that I can't even remember how to do it, but of course he tells me that he can show me. I looked like a FOOL out there! haha. I'm stepping all over his feet and he keeps telling me to look up not down AND so is everyone else that we pass on the floor. I was like WTF? I forgot how different a country bar was. Everyone is really friendly and being with Mr. New York City, aka boyfriend, I'm use to bars/clubs with hip hop or rock and you don't really talk to anyone unless you came with them. So after a couple hours of making an ass out of myself and meeting new people I left....in a better mood. Well my better mood didn't last 20mins after I stepped out of the bar. On my way home I hit a huge ass pothole and pop not only 1 but 2 tires on the drivers side. To top it off I tried calling the number that's on the side of my car for such emergencies but the stupid thing wouldn't let me connect. I mean, the pre recorded voice would give me options as to what kind of emergency it was and after I pressed the correct number it would ring twice then disconnect. I have no clue why it kept doing this. And I was refusing to call boyfriend because, well you all know why. I'm a stubborn bitch and he's an ass.

Well, I'm sitting at my car for like 30 mins until a cop finally drives by and sees me. He stops and calls a tow truck for me...which took them TWO DAMN HOURS to get to me. They had some pre recording that would call me every so often to tell me they would arrive in 45mins....then 30mins.....then 15 mins. I'm on the verge of killing someone because I am so aggitated. So he finally gets there and he offered to take me to my apt. I walk in the door at 4:30 in the morning to who other than boyfriend sleeping on the couch. He of, course, woke up and I told him I had car troubles then went to bed.

Saturday wasn't much better. I got woken up to the mechanic calling me and saying that they have to do all 4 tires because the other 2 that weren't flat, the tread was really low so it'd be pointless to have to brand new tires and 2 old tires. Oh yeah, and I'd have to get my alignment fixed since I probably threw it out when I hit the pothole. I tell him, fine whatever do whatcha gotta do. He tells me my car will be ready on Monday.....well monday rolls around and he calls me up so say the front awn or arm or whatever the hell its called is damaged and needs to be repaired. (Are yall feeling my frustration yet?) I think that it's not something expensive but when I asked how much he replied back with $200. WTF again!

Mechanic "it's $200 mam, but if you want to hold off we won't mess with that.

Me "well, I'm sure you noticed the sticker at the bottom of my front window that says [4 08] right?"

Mechanic "Ummm"

Me "so you can see that I really don't have a choice in the matter. My car has to be inspected this month and surely it won't pass with it busted up."

mechanic "umm also, your front driver side light isn't mounted properly and that won't pass an inspection either."

me "great"

Mechanic "I'll tell you what, since we're already working on your car I'll do your inspection and the front awn(arm? IDK) and the light will only take a few mins to mount back on anyways. What do you say?"

Me "Why don't you take my first born while you're at it"

Mechanic "What was that?"

Me "Nothing. Ok, just do what you have to do to get it to pass inspection."

Mechanic "yes mam. It'll be ready tomorrow."

So even tho I paid an arm and a leg for what was suppose to be TWO tires, I am happy with the results. Before I knocked my alignment out on Friday, it's was already not completely straight. It pulled to the left. So when I got in my car again yesterday I took my hands off the wheel and yelled out "YAY! I'm going straight now!!!" haha....then I went home and had a beer....or 2....ok ok I had 10!

Pissed off

2008-04-01T09:11:00.003-07:00

*^*^*^WARNING...THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE BECAUSE I AM PISSED AND RANTING^*^*^*^*^

I have been utterly PISSED for the past 3 days. I am sick of people. I am sick of people not being able to keep things to them DAMN selves. And I so freaking sick of people assuming shit instead of asking and talking....they'd rather hang up on me! I am sick of my job, my boyfriend, my friends....all of it. I AM SICK AND TIRED!

I have a splitting headache from being so pissed and irritated. I just wish all of it would go away. I know I'm being vague but I can't really go into detail of what exactly pissed me off the most. It's too personal to put on here. But I can tell you why I'm uber pissed at my boyfriend. Sunday is when I heard some horrible shit about me, and hearing that it came from a person that means the world to me. It involved a couple friends from home. I didn't know who to believe in this particular situation so I was crying and depressed over this issue. When my boyfriend got home he saw that I was hurt but I told him that I didn't feel like talking about it at the moment. He was fine with it.....or so I thought. Earlier that day in my pissed rampage I posted a bulletin on myspace saying I was pissed and I am done with everyone more or less. An old guy friend, whom I haven't spoken to in months because of my boyfriend, was on and saw it and immediately called me to see if I was okay. I, of course, didn't answer because for one I was crying and for two, I didn't want a fight with James on top of everything else. Well, that night while I was in bed James took it upon himself to look through my call log and saw that I had 2 missed called from my old friend.

And THAT brings me back to yesterday afternoon. I was on the phone trying to straighten said issue out with this girl from home....and I, again, was crying. Well, James beeps in and when I click over he said "what's wrong?" I again said "I'm fine, I am still upset but I can't talk to you about it right now." He comes back at me with "But you can talk to Noel about it??"

EXCUSE ME??

Yes. that's how I said it to him. And then I added, "wait a second...you looked through my fucking phone again didn't you?"

Him "Yeah I did and I saw that you talked to Noel twice yesterday while I was gone."

So in the middle of me trying to tell him that I ignored both of Noel's calls he just says "I bet it's fucking Noel." AND HANGS UP ON ME!

Then he won't answer my calls and claims it's because he's too busy working in a text. So I sent him 3 things.

Text #1 "Well you werent 2 busy 2 call N bitch at me 4 something I DIDNT do"

Text #2 "BTW...snoop better next time cuz if you wouldve, then youd see that I ignored the calls."

Text #3 "You know what? Screw it. Dont talk to me. Im going 2 bed."

I woke up at 4 this morning and left for work because I couldn't stand to be in the same bed as the jackass. I am so FUCKING SICK of him accusing me of doing shit when I haven't done anything. Yall wanna hear something funny? I went to walmart like a month ago to buy him a couple new Xbox games. My phone doesn't work that well in walmart. He tries to call me and gets pissed when he can't get ahold of me. Claiming that I'm diliberately ignoring his calls. I wanted to surprise him when he got home from work. He automatically assumes that I'm lying and that I was doing God knows what with some guy or whatever. Then he found out that I bought him stuff and was trying to keep in a surprise and, as always, apoligized to me. I'm SICK IM SICK IM SICK of all of his motherfucking apoligizing!

I need to get away before I go crazy. I need to get away before I kill someone.

Busy spring

2008-03-27T04:05:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! Sorry I have really posted this month. I have alot going on and just haven't had the time.

The main thing that kept me busy was studying for my advancement exam that was last Thursday. I don't think I've ever studied as much for any test before this one...haha money is a good motivator! The thing is, I don't find out until May or so if I passed it =^( that's the sucky thing about the military. They take forever to get the results out to you.

Studying for that test kinda worried me about starting college soon too. I mean, I know it's only been 3 years since I've been in school but it still feels like a lifetime ago, ya know? IDK, maybe I'm just trying to pshyc myself out. I just hope that it doesn't take alot to get back into that studying groove cuz I am so use to coming home from work and that's it. haha

Also, I started a softball team at my command recently and so now I'm a player AND the coach, which is taking some getting use to. I'm only 21 and I have people on the team that are like 45 so I'm trying to keep control and be the leader. Plus there's that whole ranking thing in the military lol. So it's a little strange for me, a seaman(no joke, that's my rating), to be telling an officer or a Chief what to do. "Sir, make sure you do_____and_____" haha. I like it though. I played all throughout high school and I wish I did better in school then so I could have played for college. But oh well.....

Another thing that's taking up alot of my time is the boyfriend and I are looking for houses to rent. Our lease at the apts is over this June and we refuse to stay another minute, let alone a year, more than we have to. Plus James really wants to bring his Pit, Asia(omg the cutest pit I have EVER seen! Seriously) up here from FL and I want my cat, critter, from home. We did find a couple of cute houses though. Both are two bedroom and both are the same rent, but one had 400 more sq ft. I know what you're thinking....no brainer right? Pick the larger one? That is precisely what I wanted to do BUT the smaller one has a fenced in yard and the bigger one does not =^( James wants (and I agree) that we need a fenced in yard for his dog. Oh well though, I'd rather have his dog safe than a bigger bedroom or bathroom or...sigh....closet.

Oh, btw...i recently started watching Grey's Anatomy and can I say....I understand the McDreamy craze! Oh Lord that man is HAWT! hehe

A song that describes my past....

2008-03-07T07:29:00.001-08:00

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics...

Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should have said it
That it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure
That I'll soon blow up
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again

Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Who I am hates who I've been and who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been cause who I've been only ever made me...
So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

2008-03-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

*Disclaimer*

Ok, so I know I haven't really gotten personal in this blog yet. And to tell you the truth....I think it was because I didn't want to show the other parts of me...the depressing and confusing side of me. I censored everything and so far, I have only talked about what's on the surface. And lets face it....that's not what people want to hear. People want the inside scoop. People want to read the 'good stuff,' I mean, I know that's why I read certain blogs and that's probably why everyone reads these things. So it's time that I stop acting like the happy-go-lucky chick who only talks about her fishes or the gilmore girls or wierd neighbors. It's time for me to be raw and real.....so here it goes......

So this weekend was.....umm.....interesting.

James and I were fighting the majority of the time. I know I haven't really gone into detail about my relationship, and that's because I was trying not to sound like I'm bitchy or anything but you know what....?

Screw. That. Shit.

I love him, I really do. But I honestly want to shake the SHIT out of him sometimes.

We stopped talking for about a week. It all started when my phone rang last Monday evening. It was my friend John calling but I ignored the call because we were having a nice relaxing evening together....were being the operative word. All of a sudden he's all withdrawn and jackassy towards me. We start bickering and frankly, I'm fed up because if I talk to any guy then that means I'm going to sleep with him(even though I've never done anything to make him believe that stupid shit!) I have 3 older brothers and I have mostly guy friends, he knew that from the START! A year and a half later....it's still the same old shit. I say hi to a guy...I'm going to cheat. I go to the smoke deck(which is at work for crying out loud) and there's another guy out there....I'm going to cheat. I go to my hometown and have a conversation with my oldest friend who....shocker......is a guy....I'm going to cheat. Are you starting to get the picture? Apparently....I'm a big whore.

Anyways....kindof got side tracked. So back to the story.....

So, this time around I wasn't about to have a big head to head with him so I told him I was done talking about it. (He hates it when I do that because that's 'his' thing!) Well, I was trying to get my bag ready for work the next day and he jumps in and says "So what other guys that I don't know about have your number?" That was the final straw for me so I said "Gee...I don't know DAD! Do I need your approval for every person I am friends with?!?!" It's not like I keep these people from him. I tell him who they are and I try and get him to hang out with my friends that he doesn't know. But just because they are guys it's a problem. I'm apparently only allowed to hang out with the girlfriends or wives of HIS guy friend. And to me....it's bullshit. I can talk to who ever I want to talk to. I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm always open and honest about it.

Well, that resulted in a week of us not talking. That weekend we sort of made up....as in he starts acting all nice to me and I in return try and drop it as well. Then Saturday night, we fight once again! He didn't like that fact that when we were at a party I was listening to this guy's ipod. The guy knew James, James knew him, they were friends. When James walked in from outside smoking, I looked at him and said "Hey baby! Listen to this!" He just stared at me. Apparently, James' wasted friend came over to "defend" James' woman(whatever!) and jerked the ipod away from me and started talking shit to this guy! I said "fuck this. I'm going outside."

When James and I get home he tells me that he thought we were sitting too close to each other and the other guy was trying to help. I said "Excuse me!!? We were sitting at a dining room table, in different chairs. He had some good music on his ipod and I was just listening to it. There was nothing wrong with what I was doing! No flirting from him or me!"

And it just escalated from there.

Of course the next day he apologized and blamed most of it on the alcohol.

It just pisses me off soooo damn much. I love him to death but he's just a jealous guy and I hate it. We were raised completely different ways. I'm a country girl with 3 brothers and grew up as a tomboy. I played football with the guys (still do) and joke around and have fun with guys without coming across as "ohh I want to jump you." James grew up in Long Island and apparently if a girl hangs with the guys then they are dykes or trying to hook up with one of them. (That's what he says) AND he loves doing couple things. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it but it's like if there's a single person around then they are a leper(sp?). I don't hang out with only couples. I've always been a very socialable person, jumping from group to group and friend to friend.

There's no way he and I can survive if when he deploys in June if he continues to act this way!

Need help ladies!!

2008-02-28T03:49:00.001-08:00

So 2 of my good friends are taking that dangerous leap. They are going where none of my friends have gone before. They are the first and I'm scared for them!

That's right folks.....marraige! I wonder if this is the start of it all. I know we all get to the age where two by two our friends start getting hitched....but I'm only 21! I didn't think it was going to happen for a few more years!

Anyways....there engagement party is tomorrow nite and I need ideas for a present to get them. My friend Ashes told me that anything they can use around the house would work. Like, dishes, skillets, wine glasses, crock pot...stuff like that. But I want to get something a little bit more unique for them. I just KNOW that if I get them a set of wine glasses then with my luck, other people will have gotten them the same thing.

So gals, use those noggins and help a fellow blogger out pllleeeeeaaaasseee? I'll be your bestest friend ;^)

Thanks a bunch in advance!

I got lots of fish!!

2008-02-19T11:36:00.001-08:00

16 to be exact!

For Vday I took boyfriend to the pet store and got him the 20gal tank and the stand and all the gucci shit that goes in it. I didn't realize that fish stuff was soooo damn expensive! He told me that he would pay for the fish that he wanted. Well, he got 4 angel fish, 2 tiger somethings, 2 gold looking fish, 1 sucker, 3 tiny pink ones(just for me!) and 5 little mean ones. I know I'm very precise when it comes to the names huh?

And for those of you who can count....that's 17 right? WELL....one of the tiger fish got caught by the filter and died. Now I have a depressed fish on my hands. There names were Larry and Bob....and bob was the one that ended up croaking and now Larry won't swim around or eat or anything. =^( It's rather sad. All he does is hide behind the treasure chest and the leaves and won't go around the other fish. Boyfriend didn't believe me at first but after a day or so of Larry being depressed James came running into the bedroom to deliver the news!

"Baaaaaaby! Larry IS depressed! He hasn't moved from that spot in 2 whole days! Maybe we could find some fishy antidepressants. What do you think?"

"I know James. That's what I've been trying to tell you. As for the antidepressants? I'll look into it baby."

haha....he's a goober!

Anyways....so I hate my upstairs neighbors! 15 Mexicans living in a tiny one bedroom apartment and always being loud! One of them has a girlfriend with a little boy whom I've nicknamed "Son of Satan" He's EVIL! And he's a little brat! I swear he jumps around thier apartment on purpose JUST to piss me off! And after I banged on the ceiling this weekend to get them to shut the hell up...I think the mother started ecouraging him to do it and joined in herself! That boy isn't big enough to make the loud noises that were going on after I banged the ceiling. One time it was like 10 at night on a Tuesday and there was this loud ass bang and our entire apartment shook. So I grab my slippers and ran upstairs to ask them what the hell was going on. Well when one opens the door I see a loveseat with 4 guys on it(NOT including the one that was at the door) and said "Um, excuse me but whatever the hell you guys are doing up here is SHAKING our apartment. It's loud and annoying and it needs to quit....NOW!" He just stares at me for a minute then points to his fatass friend on the arm of the loveseat and said "Um he fell." And that was it!! So I gave him this look that said YOU ARE AN IDIOT! and really said "okay well knock it off." Went back downstairs and didn't hear much from them the rest of the night.

Grrrr I can't wait to get a house this June!

My neighbor is strange....

2008-02-13T06:08:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting on the computer last nite (had to take a break from gilmore girls lol) and I get a knock at the door. Well, it was my neighbor Cam....and out of all the possibilities in the whole world, you know what he asked me?

"Hey Kelly! What's up? I was just wondering, could I put some bacon in your freezor?"

"Ummm, [chuckles a little bit] suuuuure Cam. But here's a silly question...why?"

I started cracking up and then he realized that he should have explained the reason FIRST and then ASK second! lol I'm still laughing at this question.

Apparently, he wants to make his wife a special breakfast for Vday and he hates bacon so if it's in thier freezor then she'll know that it's for something special and he wants to suprise her. I thought that was adorable, even though his deliver was random.

I don't have a Valentine this year cuz boyfriend is out of town till Friday =^( I think I'm just gonna watch Gilmore girls and eat lots of Chocolate.

Boyfriend better have something good planned when he gets back!

Woo Hoo for the Gilmores!!!

2008-02-08T03:56:00.000-08:00

I just want to start by saying thank you to Shar for turning me into a Gilmore girls fan. I never really watched it before and then she had a post talking about how they were ending the show. So when I went home that nite I turned it on.....after 10 minutes I was HOOKED! haha So I started to TIVO it, but the boyfriend is all about his damn Xbox so I didn't get to watch it that much. Well, I told my momma that I wanted Gilmore Girls for Xmas, and you know what she got me?? The SEVENTH season! I was like "Umm....thank you momma, but I don't have ANY of the seasons and I haven't seen all of them. Why did you go for the last one?"

Anyways, I said screw it and started to watch it. WELL! On T.V. they are only up to about the 3rd season so when I started the 7th I got confused! And I got bummed out because I was finding out all this info that had already happened. So I immediately stopped watching, got on amazon and ordered all the other seasons! The FINALLY arrived yesterday so I text the boyfriend and said "ITS HERE! U get a Xbox nite free of bitching!" hehe I spent 6 hours watching the first season and I'm only up to about the 3rd CD. And another good thing....the boyfriend will be gone all next week for work so I get to use the big HD T.V. without any mouth from him! hahaha I'm excited!

Once again....THANKS SHAR =^)

One day to go!

2008-02-07T04:09:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I will be heading home and I can't wait! Although, I think I'm going to cry when I walk into my parents house because it's going to be so empty. They are in the process of moving in with my grandmother to help her out. My grandfather passed away last April and they go over all the time but they figured that it would be easier if they just moved in there. They already drive her everywhere and do her grocery shopping for her.....she's pretty big and can't be on her feet for too long so it's hard for her to get around. Anyways....my whole point was, my friend Ashley went by to see my parents and t/m me saying my house looks so depressing now. I was born and raised in that house and lived there until I was 19 so seeing it so bare is going to depress me =^(

That house just has so much life in it ya know? There's not a space on any of the walls that doesn't have a painting, or picture of our family. One wall is nothing but plaques from when my dad coached and I think the last time I counted there was close to 100. We were a very sports oriented family. All my brothers wrestled, played football, baseball and a little bit of basketball. I played softball, volleyball and basketball....and I would play football with my brothers at thier practices. Oh, and I did alot of horseback riding. Damn! Just thinking about all of it makes me sad....I wish I could go back to being 10 years old and do it all over again!

Ok, gotta change the subject before I make myself cry....

So, I'm thinking of cutting my hair....I've been wanting bangs for awhile now. But i've got this cowlick so they'd have to be choppy side bangs. I registered for this webiste that allows you to experiment with all kinds of hair dos and give yourself a complete makeover. I gave myself one and just left it minimized on the screen, well the boyfriend got on the computer and saw it and asked me who the hell that was on the computer hehe. I was just goofing around too! I gave myself dark brown hair, big sunglasses and lots of makeup so it didn't look like me at all.

Alrighty.....it's about that time. Gotta go PT now. Everyone have a good weekend!!!

Three day weekend! Woo Hoo!!

2008-02-01T03:58:00.000-08:00

For the next 3 weeks, I have a three day weekend....I say again....WOO HOO! hehe

Well, this weekend my boss decided to give everyone Monday off after the superbowl. His reasoning....the Giants fans need a grieving period after they lose. If you couldn't tell, he's a Pats fan. Me? I'm just in it for the commercials.

Speaking of, last year they sucked, so I hope this year they are better. Ok....I take that back, there was ONE good one that I liked. Yall remember the Carlos Mencia one? Where he's teaching foreiners how to ask for a bud light in different parts of the U.S. I loved that one!! I also hope that the halftime show is better this year.....I apoligize to all you Prince fans but....EW! I really think that people started cheering at the end because it was FINALLY over! haha

Then next weekend I'm going home because my parents want me to go to the Policeman's ball with them. I know I'm going to be hungover on that Sunday so I requested Monday off so I wouldn't have to drive 4 hours back here all hungover. It should be a blast though, I've heard so many stories about the drunk cops and how goofy they are. Now that I'm 21 my dad has been begging me to go with them....he's so sweet, wants to get drunk with his only daughter! hehe. My dad is the cutest drunk I have ever seen. When I go home I make him do Tequila shots and jagerbombs with me =^). He gets all giggly and happy when he drinks.

The weekend after that one is President's day so we are off again! I love having Mondays off because that's the worst day of the week(I'm sure most people would agree). Starting on Tuesday is great because before you know it, it's hump day then Friday and then the weekend.

So on that note.....everyone have a good weekend!

Bad dreams....

2008-01-29T07:27:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's going on lately but I keep having these wierd random nightmares. This past weekend for example, I dreamt about vampires. I mean, it was scary towards the end but during it, it was rather funny. I went with someone(no clue who) so someone's house(again, no clue who's) and a bunch of people and I were just hanging out at first. Then, people started talking about vampires and I somehow realized that they were hinting at the fact that they were all in fact vampires. At first they told me that when they "change" that they would not attack me (yea right!) and I believed them. Well, they "changed" and then started staring at me.

Here's the funny part....I grabbed a random pool stick(there were no pool tables around!) and started going Jackie Chan on thier asses. And I remember saying "This is so much more fun than it looks in the movies!!" There was one vampire, though, that apparently was a marine and had these poisen filled darts and started shooting them at me. I dodged a few but eventually I was on the floor with this guy standing over me smiling and licking his lips. The last thing I said was something like "Please atleast wait to devour me untill I'm completely out." I blinked once, and all of a sudden all 10 people were standing over me smiling.....and then I woke up. I was still tired but I didn't want to go back to sleep because I was freaked out.

And last nite I can't even remember the majority of the dream except that it was really strange. I know that it had to do with my bedroom and I felt like I was awake through it all and like I was stuck and being slowly tortured or something.

I'm very confused as to why I'm having all the scary yet uncanny dreams.

Anyone know anything about dream meanings?

I need girlfriends!

2008-01-24T05:46:00.000-08:00

The title says it all. I need more girlfriends! I have 3 really good ones but they all live 4 hours away and the command I'm at is 95% men. The women that are here are mostly in their 40's and married and have kids. Not that there's anything wrong with that but I need friends who are closer to my age.

I never realized how much making new friends is like asking a guy out. I mean, I was born and raised in one area so it was easier because I grew up with these people and we all became friends before we were even 10. But now it's like starting all over again. I did have more friends here but they were all guys and to make a long story short....there was so much drama with them and my boyfriend that we don't really talk anymore. Now, I'm in need of girls, you know, where I can go out to eat or just gossip with and get away from my boyfriend. Ok, ok, don't take it the wrong way, I love him but everyone needs thier space with their own friends ya know? If we didn't live together then it wouldn't be a problem because we'd have our own space but we live in a small one bedroom apartment and we are ALWAYS together! We tend to hang out with couples and I try to get along with the wives and the girlfriends but I haven't really fould one that I click with. James keeps trying to force this girl Ashley on me and yes, she's a sweet girl but we have absolutely nothing in common. I can't be myself around her at all.

Tuesday I had duty with this girl Shamber and she's someone I've talked to at work a couple of times and she's cool as shit. She does have 2 kids but she's only 5 years older than me and alot like me. Well, I don't know how to ask her if she wants to hang out outside of work. Does that sound strange?

Anyone got any tips to ask a girl out in a totally hetero way?

Long weekend! Woo Hoo!

2008-01-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

YAY! We have a four day weekend THANK GOD! Even though it's only been a 4 day work week, it feels so much longer. I have this urge to drive home today because the weather here is shitty and home has like 6 inches of snow. My mom text me at 7 this morning saying "SNOW DAY! haha" and I said "you suck." Well, the little hussy came back with "Yeah, but I suck IN THE SNOW" Sometimes I wanna smack that woman. =^)

That's what I love about my mom. We have this fun relationship, she really is my best friend(as corny as that sounds). We use to be at each other's throat all the time in high school when I thought I was a badass, but now we couldn't be closer. It's funny how we act though because if you didn't know us, you'd probably be like "If I talked to my momma like that, I'd get slapped!" If I have a friend over she will make it a point to say something that will humilate me and then give me this little grin that pretty much says "haha bitch!" So everytime she does it I say something like "Don't make me hurt you slut!"......that's when people get a little shocked until my mom, without missing a beat says "Shut up whore!" haha

I know I know, some people here might think it's a bad thing to call each other those names but that's just how me and my momma are.

Sorry yall....I just got told that I can leave work now so I'll try and actually finish this later.

Have a good weekend yall =^)

11 hours of sleep, yet still tired

2008-01-16T05:08:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been happy and pissed at the same time? It's an odd feeling. I mean, most of me is pissed but I am happy about atleast one thing.

First on to the thing that I'm happy about.....

I found out today that I got approval to take the advancement exam in March. See, in the military, in order to get paid more you have to take an exam in either March or September. I was eligible last March but I wasn't allowed to take the exam. I am undesignated, which means I don't have an actual rate at the moment. So in order for someone, in my shoes, to take any other rate's test, that said rate has to be open. Well, so many people were in the rate that I wanted that it was closed, until now. Anyways, now it's open enough to where all I needed was special approval to take it and I just found out that I got approved. So in March I take the exam and hopefully I can pass because it's one of the biggest payraises you can get.

Now on to the not so good things....

I found out yesterday that I am deploying this year =^(. Origionally I thought my command wasn't going until May of 2009, and since I get out in August of 2009 I wouldn't be going. But NO! They had to change it to this year. So in about 9 months I'll be deploying for probably 6 months. The only good thing about it is the money, I'll get paid pretty damn good while I'm there and it's not like I'd be spending alot of money over there either. So when I get back, I'll have enough money to pay off my car and get an apartment back at home when I get out. But because of this news, James and I got into a fight. It was so damn stupid how it got started too. He was goofing off when I was trying to talk to him about it and I kept asking him to stop and listen to me....over and over again. Finally I got irritated enough and said "Look. I'm not joking around, can you please stop and fucking listen to me!? What you're doing is NOT cute and I am trying to talk to you about what's going on!" And of course HE'S the one who gets extremely pissed at me and starts acting like a dick. I won't go into detail, but he started saying some really mean and uncalled for things to me. Then he gives me some bullshit apology like an hour later when he realized that I was really not going to talk to him and I told him to forget it. I'm sorry but if you don't mean it when you say you're sorry then I don't want to hear it. And that's what I told him. I was like, leave me alone because I don't believe that you're sorry and what you said hurt alot.

So, I went to sleep. Whenever I cry I get really tired so I was in bed by 6. This morning he comes stumbling out of the bedroom and says "Baby, I'm sorry. Are you still mad?" And I said "Damn right I'm still mad. You said some really hurtful things and frankly, I don't want to hear it." He kept talking but that was where I stopped. I am so hurt and pissed right now I could cry, but I'm at work so I'm trying to keep it together.

Grrrrr! Sometimes I just really want to slap the ignorance and stubborness out of him. Anybody else ever feel that way about your guy?

Bad Monday....

2008-01-14T05:04:00.001-08:00

I was planning on working out this morning (because I am WAY out of shape!) but I overslept. And THEN when I got to my car, there was a $30 ticket for where I was parked! So I can already tell that it's going to be a looong bad day.

James had to be up early this morning and he was supposed to wake me up at 5:30 when he was leaving but I guess he either forgot or he thought I was awake, which I wasn't obviously. I am the world's deepest sleeper! There could be an explosion right outside my window and I will sleep like a baby. It use to bug the hell out of my mom when I was a kid because I would have my alarm go off at 5:00 on Christmas morning and my alarm clock would be a foot away from my head going off for 30 minutes and it would wake everyone else in my house.....other than me! haha. But the odd thing is, if there is a little noise then I wake up quick! After my alarm would wake her up, she'd come in my room to turn it off and when she'd turn the doorknob to leave I'd pop my head up and say "Errg....what are you doing?" My mom would always just mutter something and go back to bed.

And about the ticket....get this! James was on the lease for our apartment first. I turned in my application to be put on it over TWO months ago, and they still haven't done the paperwork! We keep calling and they keep making excuses about it being the holidays and how it just keeps getting forgotten in the shuffle. So until I'm actually on the lease I have to park next to the curb instead of the parking lot. And I guess where I parked yesterday was not somewhere I was allowed to park...therefore I have a damn ticket! =^( I think I'm going to call today and actually be mean to the idiots. James usually calls and he's always nice...which has gotten us ZERO results.

Grrrrr.....thankfully we have a four day weekend coming up because of Martin Luter King day. I want to get out of town so bad. I am sick of our neighbors upstairs. Last night, it sounded like they were bowling up there! James kept looking at me and saying "What the hell are they doing? It's carpeted yet it sounds like they are bowling!" There are like 5 mexicans that live above us and we've complained about them numerously in the last few months! Also, they keep overflowing their toilet and guess whos bathroom all of their nastiness goes into? Yep....ours! I swear, the first time it happened a went to a friend's house and took a 2 hour shower....I felt soooo dirty! I can't wait untill June when James and I get into a house. A porch, a backyard, more room....I really can't wait. Time is going to go so slow between now and then!

Well, it's about time I get in my uniform....I hope everyone else has a better monday than me!

Happy Friday everyone!

2008-01-11T07:48:00.001-08:00

New year, new blog....hopefully I will keep up with this thing.

I use to have one for 2 years on livejournal but I figured I start a new one. I read so many other blogs on this thing and I've seen the support and friendships that you gals share and I kinda want to be apart of it =^)

My name is Kelly and I'm 21 in the navy and stationed in VA. I'm not a big fan of eastern VA...I'm from western VA, up in the mountains which is a totally different world from here. People can't drive here, there are absolutely NO mountains and there are too many people here. I miss being in a town where everyone knows everyone and everyone either says hi or waves to you.

My boyfriend's name is James, he's in the navy also and we live together. Just hit our one year mark this past November<3.>

Oh! Some great news....after 3 years of being out of the loop, I finally applied to college! I start in April and I'm going to major in Business Management and minor in Marketing and Small Business Entreprenurship. I can't wait till I can actually say that I'm a college graduate. It's a big deal for my family. Usually high school is about as far as we go but I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck still when I'm 40, I want savings and retirement and a 401K plan. I don't care about being rich, I care about being comfortable and I want a big family myself one day and I want to be able to provide for my family, ya know?

Well, I think this is good enough for my first post. Everyone have a good weekend!