So, today I am happy. I haven't been really happy in awhile......I've mostly just been scared or mad or frustrated or sad. But today, I am none of those things....THANK HEAVANS =^)
Here's what happened.....Thursday morning, baby momma texts James saying "can you take madeline?" and that was it. After repeatedly trying, he finally got ahold of her on her house phone and she tells him that her dad(who she lives with) and the rest of her family all think she needs some sort of help. They think that for one, she needs a break from being a mother and 2, that she is depressed and bipolar and want her to get professional help. So James says yes, of course, he'd love to have Madeline. He tells me that we're getting Madeline and that we are going to be driving up to New York the next day to pick her up.
My reaction?......."what the hell??"
I started to look into daycares right away and then when I got off work at 12 I asked him to go to lunch with me so we could talk. I had a shitload of questions to ask him and I wanted to know how we were planning on doing this without screwing ourselves. So, we were driving and I'm asking him questions about day care and child support and sleeping arrangment because we only have a 2 bedroom and the spare is set up for a baby at the moment. I was asking about the legalities so baby momma doesn't try and screw us over and so on and so forth. Well, he answers them in very short sentences or says, I don't know....and it was mostly the latter....and I started getting frustrated with him. I was trying to think things through and make sure we were going to be able to support her and make Madeline's transition easier. But it seemed like all James was thinking was, "awesome, I'm getting my daughter." Him thinking that is okay but the problem was that he wasn't thinking anywhere PAST that. He wasn't thinking about all the little details that were going to be involved with having Madeline stay with us.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I was happy that baby momma was going to let James take Madeline but I was scared shitless too. I'm 7 and 1/2 months pregnant with my first child and still trying to figure out how we're going to adapt to that one AND James is leaving 2 weeks from today for some other kind of training for 2 weeks. So that means I would be left with a confused 3 year old who is just being pushed from people to people and I don't know how to entertain a 3 year old or what they eat or anything.
Back to my original point....James wasn't thinking about any of this and wasn't planning for any of it. I mean, if he could have at least reassured me that things were going to be okay and that he was handeling it then I would have felt better about the whole situation. But he wasn't. He wasn't talking to me and filling me in on what was going on in his head. And yes I know that guys do that a lot....but this was too big a situation for him to keep me out of the loop like he was.
Then, he gets all mad at me because I'm frustrated with him(....see a pattern developing?) And he starts saying things like "I shouldn't be fighting about anything right now! I should be happy that I'm getting my daughter!" , "What....do you not want to have her here?" , "Fuck it, I'll tell [baby momma] that you have a problem with me keeping my daughter!"
That's when I started crying and telling him that for one, I do want her here but I also want him to man the fuck up and start reassuring me that we can handle this. I told him how all we've been doing is fighting and that's gotta change before we have a child around and that I needed him to open up and actually talk to me for once. I said that I feel like I'm always the one talking. Everytime I say we need to talk then he says "ok so talk." I do the talking, I do the opening up. He just sits there! Anyhoo.....I told him to get out of my car and I went home. He texted me like 5 minutes later and said "I'm sick of fucking fighting over little shit all the damn time." So, I fired back with "and I'm sick of feeling alone and not feeling loved. I have been stressed this entire pregnancy and you haven't done a damn thing to help. So fuck you."
Well, I believe that finally got to him. He got hom from work a couple hours later and the first thing he did was come up to me and give me a hug and finally talked. He said he was sorry for making me feel like I was alone and so stressed out. He admitted that he needed to step up more for me and take away some of the stress. He said that me and the baby are the most important things to him and he never wants me to doubt that. There's more, but that was the gist of the conversation. Also, turns out that baby momma changed her mind again because she didn't want to stop the child support. So she wasn't letting James take Madeline.
But for the last 3 days, he's been attentive and including me in his life more and actually letting me know what's going through his head.....for instance, he wants to start fighting for full custody of Madeline. We've talked about it and we have plenty of stuff on baby momma to make a good case, so we're going to see what we can do.
So, things are starting to look up and I'm in a better mood today than I have been in awhile. Also, since I've had so much time on my hands lately, I'm trying to find some hobbies that I can do. Some of the things I've always wanted to try are going to have wait until the baby gets here....like taking a kickboxing class or working part time at the horse stables here. But some things I want to try now are taking a cooking class....I really need the tips! haha. Or learning how to play the guitar. Or writing again....and I mean poems and stories and whatnot.
So what are some of yall's hobbies? I'd love to hear them and maybe steal an idea or two =^)
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