Busy spring

Hey everyone! Sorry I have really posted this month. I have alot going on and just haven't had the time.

The main thing that kept me busy was studying for my advancement exam that was last Thursday. I don't think I've ever studied as much for any test before this one...haha money is a good motivator! The thing is, I don't find out until May or so if I passed it =^( that's the sucky thing about the military. They take forever to get the results out to you.

Studying for that test kinda worried me about starting college soon too. I mean, I know it's only been 3 years since I've been in school but it still feels like a lifetime ago, ya know? IDK, maybe I'm just trying to pshyc myself out. I just hope that it doesn't take alot to get back into that studying groove cuz I am so use to coming home from work and that's it. haha

Also, I started a softball team at my command recently and so now I'm a player AND the coach, which is taking some getting use to. I'm only 21 and I have people on the team that are like 45 so I'm trying to keep control and be the leader. Plus there's that whole ranking thing in the military lol. So it's a little strange for me, a seaman(no joke, that's my rating), to be telling an officer or a Chief what to do. "Sir, make sure you do_____and_____" haha. I like it though. I played all throughout high school and I wish I did better in school then so I could have played for college. But oh well.....

Another thing that's taking up alot of my time is the boyfriend and I are looking for houses to rent. Our lease at the apts is over this June and we refuse to stay another minute, let alone a year, more than we have to. Plus James really wants to bring his Pit, Asia(omg the cutest pit I have EVER seen! Seriously) up here from FL and I want my cat, critter, from home. We did find a couple of cute houses though. Both are two bedroom and both are the same rent, but one had 400 more sq ft. I know what you're thinking....no brainer right? Pick the larger one? That is precisely what I wanted to do BUT the smaller one has a fenced in yard and the bigger one does not =^( James wants (and I agree) that we need a fenced in yard for his dog. Oh well though, I'd rather have his dog safe than a bigger bedroom or bathroom or...sigh....closet.


Oh, btw...i recently started watching Grey's Anatomy and can I say....I understand the McDreamy craze! Oh Lord that man is HAWT! hehe

A song that describes my past....

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics...

Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should have said it
That it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure
That I'll soon blow up
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again

Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Who I am hates who I've been and who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been cause who I've been only ever made me...
So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

*Disclaimer*

Ok, so I know I haven't really gotten personal in this blog yet. And to tell you the truth....I think it was because I didn't want to show the other parts of me...the depressing and confusing side of me. I censored everything and so far, I have only talked about what's on the surface. And lets face it....that's not what people want to hear. People want the inside scoop. People want to read the 'good stuff,' I mean, I know that's why I read certain blogs and that's probably why everyone reads these things. So it's time that I stop acting like the happy-go-lucky chick who only talks about her fishes or the gilmore girls or wierd neighbors. It's time for me to be raw and real.....so here it goes......



So this weekend was.....umm.....interesting.



James and I were fighting the majority of the time. I know I haven't really gone into detail about my relationship, and that's because I was trying not to sound like I'm bitchy or anything but you know what....?



Screw. That. Shit.



I love him, I really do. But I honestly want to shake the SHIT out of him sometimes.



We stopped talking for about a week. It all started when my phone rang last Monday evening. It was my friend John calling but I ignored the call because we were having a nice relaxing evening together....were being the operative word. All of a sudden he's all withdrawn and jackassy towards me. We start bickering and frankly, I'm fed up because if I talk to any guy then that means I'm going to sleep with him(even though I've never done anything to make him believe that stupid shit!) I have 3 older brothers and I have mostly guy friends, he knew that from the START! A year and a half later....it's still the same old shit. I say hi to a guy...I'm going to cheat. I go to the smoke deck(which is at work for crying out loud) and there's another guy out there....I'm going to cheat. I go to my hometown and have a conversation with my oldest friend who....shocker......is a guy....I'm going to cheat. Are you starting to get the picture? Apparently....I'm a big whore.



Anyways....kindof got side tracked. So back to the story.....



So, this time around I wasn't about to have a big head to head with him so I told him I was done talking about it. (He hates it when I do that because that's 'his' thing!) Well, I was trying to get my bag ready for work the next day and he jumps in and says "So what other guys that I don't know about have your number?" That was the final straw for me so I said "Gee...I don't know DAD! Do I need your approval for every person I am friends with?!?!" It's not like I keep these people from him. I tell him who they are and I try and get him to hang out with my friends that he doesn't know. But just because they are guys it's a problem. I'm apparently only allowed to hang out with the girlfriends or wives of HIS guy friend. And to me....it's bullshit. I can talk to who ever I want to talk to. I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm always open and honest about it.

Well, that resulted in a week of us not talking. That weekend we sort of made up....as in he starts acting all nice to me and I in return try and drop it as well. Then Saturday night, we fight once again! He didn't like that fact that when we were at a party I was listening to this guy's ipod. The guy knew James, James knew him, they were friends. When James walked in from outside smoking, I looked at him and said "Hey baby! Listen to this!" He just stared at me. Apparently, James' wasted friend came over to "defend" James' woman(whatever!) and jerked the ipod away from me and started talking shit to this guy! I said "fuck this. I'm going outside."

When James and I get home he tells me that he thought we were sitting too close to each other and the other guy was trying to help. I said "Excuse me!!? We were sitting at a dining room table, in different chairs. He had some good music on his ipod and I was just listening to it. There was nothing wrong with what I was doing! No flirting from him or me!"

And it just escalated from there.

Of course the next day he apologized and blamed most of it on the alcohol.

It just pisses me off soooo damn much. I love him to death but he's just a jealous guy and I hate it. We were raised completely different ways. I'm a country girl with 3 brothers and grew up as a tomboy. I played football with the guys (still do) and joke around and have fun with guys without coming across as "ohh I want to jump you." James grew up in Long Island and apparently if a girl hangs with the guys then they are dykes or trying to hook up with one of them. (That's what he says) AND he loves doing couple things. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it but it's like if there's a single person around then they are a leper(sp?). I don't hang out with only couples. I've always been a very socialable person, jumping from group to group and friend to friend.

There's no way he and I can survive if when he deploys in June if he continues to act this way!