Some back story for ya...

So hey everyone, I know I have been MIA but I usually write on here when I'm at work(like right now) but lately I haven't been in the office too much. I'm working on getting out of the military! WOOT WOOT! So excited but exhausting because I have so many appointments and whatnot that I have to do. Soooooo I figured that I would put up a link to my old journal.

I started writing it the begining of my senior year in high school and kept it until about a year ago or so. And since I'm not writing on here that much lately I thought I'd give yall some reading material.

But please, be nice.....I was 17 when I started it and was all over the place =^)


http://deprkelly.livejournal.com/

Work SUCKS!

It is my first week back at work and if I thought I was sleep deprived before...I was wrong. Atleast when I was home, I could sleep in till about 9 or so but now I'm getting up at 5:30 every morning and not going to bed till after 12 usually....and then there's the whole getting up with her in between those times too. And no naps. It sucks but I'm dealing with it because I only have about 33 more working days left. I technically get out August 22 but I've got some leave saved up so I start my separation leave July 8th. Woot Woot! =^)

Then I'm going to try to stay home for a few more months before I go back to work. 1) I need a break between jobs and 2) I want to wait to put Catherine into daycare until she is old enough to atleast hold herself up and interact a little bit. I think it's pointless to put an infant in daycare when all they do is eat, sleep and poop and 3) I've been saving my money like crazy so I could have a couple months without work and not completely live off my husband.

Oh! And speaking of bodily functions....Catherine and James had a good laugh at my expense last night. So, I was watching the finale of American Idol last night and Catherine was sleeping in the bedroom while James was watching TV in there. Well, when they announced that Kris won(hell yeah, btw), I let out this loud squeal followed by "OHMYGOD!!! ICANTBELIEVEIT!" Then a minute later James comes walking into the living room pissed off because he said that my squeal startled Catherine and she was now awake and screaming. Yeah, so he storms off and is getting her ready for a bath and I walked in there trying to make peace. Well, Catherine is laying on the changing table in just her diaper and James is in the bathroom starting the water. Once I see that he's done adjusting the water, I take her diaper off and pick her up.....I had her for maybe 10 seconds and was just about to hand her over to James when all of a sudden I feel something warm. The little hussy peed all over me! She stops crying and James is trying his best to not crack up laughing. I yelled at him "Go ahead! Laugh it up!" Which he did, the whole time he was giving her a bath. After I got cleaned up, I walked into the bathroom and asked James "So, can you honestly still be mad at me after that?" He shook his head and started cracking up again.

They are both such punks! I don't even think about being peed on with a girl. I always knew that boys do it all the time but I guess the girls have their ways too!

Anyways....I have to go put my tennis shoes on because we are about to have Command PT. I'm really not in the mood to PT but I gotta get some of this baby weight off before summer's over.

Hope all is well in the land of bloggers! =^)

what's sleep? I forgot how.

So it is now 2:30 in the AM and I am sitting in my living room waiting for my babygirl to wake up so I can feed her and change her and finally get back to sleep myself. I would post pictures but I take most of them with my phone and I don't know where the cord that connects my phone to my computer is. So, once I find that (or buy a new one) I'll upload them on here.

So it's so crazy to think that she will be a month old next Saturday!!! I mean, it seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and going into labor. But at the same time it feels like she's been in my life forever.

I go back to work 3 weeks from tomorrow (or today I guess) and I REALLY do not want to. Well, the good thing is I'm only back at work for 7 weeks and then I start my separation leave for another 8 weeks! I am so dang excited about that! I'm trying to figure out our money situation right now so hopefully I can stay home with Catherine for a little bit longer before I go back to work too. My ideal situation would be to stay home until she starts school, then go back to work. But I know that I can't really do that at the moment. Although, I have saved up quite a bit of money and James just got promoted so I do have a little bit of wiggle room. I probably don't have to work a 40hr work week, so I'll take what I can get.

Well, I just wanted to update yall on what's going on here. I'm still loving every second of being a mommy and a wife and for the first time in a long time, I can't complain about anything. Life is good!

very quick update

Hey everyone! So I bet you're all wondering about me and the baby....

Well, my water broke at 11pm on the 1st and I had my beautiful babygirl at 6:32pm on the 2nd. She was 8lbs 6oz and 21 and a half inches. She has the most beautiful dark blue eyes I've ever seen and she is now my whole world!

Labor sucked! I had an epidural but they had to stop it in order for me to push her out haha. The nurse asked me to do a couple practice pushes and kept telling me to push and I was like "I am I am!!!" But apparently, I wasn't. So I felt everything and OMFG it was PAINFUL!!!

But worth every second. I will try to post a couple pics soon if she gives me a chance. She is a complete handful, but I'm loving every second of it. James is being absolutely amazing too. I was scared that we were going to bump heads alot after she was born but we actually make an awesom team.

I'm loving life and my family and couldn't ask for anything more!

Any day now

So I am 39 weeks pregnant and my due date is on Monday. However, I can say with 100% certanty that the 4th will be the actual 9 month mark since conception =^) So my babygirl should be here any day now.

I'm nervous. Scared. Excited. Worried. Impatient. Happy and sad all at the same time right now....which I'm sure most of you, who have been here, experienced too. I'm so excited that I will be able to hold her for the first time soon and that I will have a better version of me and my husband to take care of and guide and love. But I'm scared out of my mind...how will I deal with the no sleep? What if I can't figure out why she's crying? What if she gets really sick? What if I mess up? How will I ever be able to walk out the door or watch the news again without thinking "Something bad could happen to her??"

I never thought that I would ever have kids. It just wasn't something that I looked forward to in my life. I mean, it's not like I didn't want kids....it's just I could never picture myself as a parent. I was never the girl that said to herself "One day I want __ kids" If I was around friends who had babies, I didn't know what to say or how to act around them. I'd see other people just talking away to the baby or toddler and I would sit there all quiet. Then, when the parent expected me to talk to the baby, I just felt silly! I don't know if I'm making any sense here....and I know I'm rambling....I'm just nervous and afraid that I won't be a good mother. I know that a lot of women go through these emotions before the baby comes....but I guess that every woman also feels like she's the first one to feel that way, ya know? It's the never ending cycle I guess.

Another thing that I am looking forward to but also dreading is all the family that will be here. My parents are going to drive here once they get the phone call and be in the delivery room with me....as long as my labor lasts longer than 4 hours because that's how far away they are. Also, James' Aunt and Grandma will definetely be here. Then, his Dad and girlfriend are trying to fly in, plus his cousin and lastly my best friend is going to try and make it. I'm excited that our families will get a chance to meet finally and I'm excited because I know that everyone is going to me baking up a storm for us while they're here and bringing gifts and what not. But I'm dreading it because I've heard how families can be around new parents. I'll be grateful for advice and the help but I'm not looking forward to the "do it this way" "no, you have to do this" and pretty much being told what to do with my own baby and everyone thinking that their way is the right way. Again, I hope I'm making sense here....I'm not trying to sound bitchy or anything, but it's like the people who haven't taken care of a baby in 40 years feel as though they can tell you what to do and what not to do. I'm sure that everyone who's been a parent has some good advice and only means well, but I guess what I'm saying is, there's such a thing as being helpful and then there's over bearing......ya know?

However, it is family and family only means well so I know that I will just sit there and listen and nod at everything that is said. Because they all have to leave eventually! =^)

Well, this may be my last post for awhile but we'll see how the next week goes!

Wish me luck people!!

Very true stuff....IMHO

Ok, so I got this great email today and I want to share it. Now, I realize that some may not agree with what I'm going to post here but it doesn't bother me because this is my personal blog and my personal opinions. If you don't agree then that's just fine because everyone is entitled to their own opinions. All I ask is for those of you that do not agree, please don't bother sending me mean comments because I will delete them. Feel free to send me comments of your point of view, but please leave the nastiness out of it. Thanks yall!

Oh! And for those of you that like what I am about to post, be sure to look at the bottom because it tells you where you can read more from this guy.

Enjoy!!!................



I’m Tired

Robert A. Hall

I’ll be 63 soon. Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce, and a six-month period when I was between jobs, but job-hunting every day, I’ve worked, hard, since I was 18. Despite some health challenges, I still put in 50-hour weeks, and haven’t called in sick in seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn’t inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, there’s no retirement in sight, and I’m tired. Very tired.
I’m tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth around" to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy or stupid to earn it.

I’m tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to "keep people in their homes." Sure, if they lost their jobs or got sick, I’m willing to help. But if they bought McMansions at three times the price of our paid-off, $250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the leftwing Congresscritters who passed Fannie and Freddie and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble help them—with their own money.

I’m tired of being told how bad America is by leftwing millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros and Hollywood entertainers who live in luxury because of the opportunities America offers. In thirty years, if they get their way, the United States will have the religious freedom and women’s rights of Saudi Arabia, the economy of Zimbabwe, the freedom of the press of China, the crime and violence of Mexico, the tolerance for Gay people of Iran, and the freedom of speech of Venezuela. Won’t multiculturalism be beautiful?

I’m tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honor;" of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren’t "believers;" of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery;" of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur’an and Shari’a law tells them to.

I believe "a man should be judged by the content of his character, not by the color of his skin." I’m tired of being told that "race doesn’t matter" in the post-racial world of President Obama, when it’s all that matters in affirmative action jobs, lower college admission and graduation standards for minorities (harming them the most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that hurts minorities more than anyone, and in the appointment of US Senators from Illinois. I think it’s very cool that we have a black president and that a black child is doing her homework at the desk where Lincoln wrote the emancipation proclamation. I just wish the black president was Condi Rice, or someone who believes more in freedom and the individual and less in an all-knowing government.

I’m tired of a news media that thinks Bush’s fundraising and inaugural expenses were obscene, but that think Obama’s, at triple the cost, were wonderful. That thinks Bush exercising daily was a waste of presidential time, but Obama exercising is a great example for the public to control weight and stress, that picked over every line of Bush’s military records, but never demanded that Kerry release his, that slammed Palin with two years as governor for being too inexperienced for VP, but touted Obama with three years as senator as potentially the best president ever.

Wonder why people are dropping their subscriptions or switching to Fox News? Get a clue. I didn’t vote for Bush in 2000, but the media and Kerry drove me to his camp in 2004.
I’m tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in America, while no American group is allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia to teach love and tolerance.

I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter live. Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore’s, and if you’re greener than Gore, you’re green enough.

I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses while they tried to fight it off? I don’t think Gay people choose to be Gay, but I damn sure think druggies chose to take drugs. And I’m tired of harassment from cool people treating me like a freak when I tell them I never tried marijuana.

I’m tired of illegal aliens being called "undocumented workers," especially the ones who aren’t working, but are living on welfare or crime. What’s next? Calling drug dealers, "Undocumented Pharmacists"? And, no, I’m not against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic and it’s been a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for my religion. I’m willing to fast track for citizenship any Hispanic person who can speak English, doesn’t have a criminal record and who is self-supporting without family on welfare, or who serves honorably for three years in our military. Those are the citize ns we need.

I’m tired of latte liberals and journalists, who would never wear the uniform of the Republic themselves, or let their entitlement-handicapped kids near a recruiting station, trashing our military. They and their kids can sit at home, never having to make split-second decisions under life and death circumstances, and bad mouth better people then themselves. Do bad things happen in war? You bet. Do our troops sometimes misbehave? Sure. Does this compare with the atrocities that were the policy of our enemies for the last fifty years—and still are? Not even close. So here’s the deal. I’ll let myself be subjected to all the humiliation and abuse that was heaped on terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, and the critics can let themselves be subject to captivity by the Muslims who tortured and beheaded Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, or the Muslims who tortured and murdered Marine Lt. Col. William Higgins in Lebanon, or the Muslims who ran the blood-spattered Al Qaeda torture rooms our troops found in Iraq, or the Muslims who cut off the heads of schoolgirls in Indonesia, because the girls were Christian. Then we’ll compare notes. British and American soldiers are the only troops in history that civilians came to for help and handouts, instead of hiding from in fear.

I’m tired of people telling me that their party has a corner on virtue and the other party has a corner on corruption. Read the papers—bums are bi-partisan. And I’m tired of people telling me we need bi-partisanship. I live in Illinois, where the "Illinois Combine" of Democrats and Republicans has worked together harmoniously to loot the public for years. And I notice that the tax cheats in Obama’s cabinet are bi-partisan as well..

I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of both parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
Speaking of poor, I’m tired of hearing people with air-conditioned homes, color TVs and two cars called poor. The majority of Americans didn’t have that in 1970, but we didn’t know we were "poor." The poverty pimps have to keep changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing.

I’m real tired of people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination, or big-whatever for their problems.
Yes, I’m damn tired. But I’m also glad to be 63. Because, mostly, I’m not going to get to see the world these people are making. I’m just sorry for my granddaughter.


Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts state senate. He blogs at www.tartanmarine.blogspot.com



P.S. Here's a very good quote that Robert Hall has on his blog that I would like to include on here.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. --Thomas Jefferson

Stupid weather!

So I am in week 36 and I wish this kid would hurry the hell up and pop out! haha. I just really really want my body back. I'm tired of sharing =^). Plus, I'm starting to get sick now and that really blows since I can't really do much, medication wise. I think it's because of this weather we're having. This time last week it actually felt really nice outside, then starting on Sunday, it gets freezing outside. We only got like an inch of snow here but the temp dropped down to the mid 20s and the windchill was like 15 degrees. BLAH!

James is in Indiana until this Saturday and has been since the sunday before last so I'm stuck alone in my apartment again. This weekend was nice though because my momma surprised me and came to visit for the weekend. It was so nice because she's been the one I've complained to the most about never feeling like I get any help and I wish James would pamper me just a little. And that's what she came here to do. She made me these tiny ham sandwiches that I love and would refill my drink if it was empty and clean out the litter box and wash the dishes. It was just so awesome to have her here with me for a couple days. I also got her hooked on Gilmore Girls! We had all these plans to go out and do all these errands that I've been putting off, but it rained all weekend and it was cold so we just decided to stay in most of the time. She taught me how to knit and got me a crocheting kit so I can learn how to do that too. We did get a couple errands out of the way but after 2 hours, we just wanted to go back to my place, throw on some comfy clothes and watch Gilmore Girls. =^)

It sucked so bad when she had to leave though. When I got back to my apartment after she left, it just felt so empty and I just sat down and started crying my eyes out. I miss my family so damn much! I can't wait to get out of the military because I want to move back to my hometown. I told James that night that I didn't think that I could stand another 4 years being that far away from my family.

But anyways, Catherine is dancing on my bladder again so I gotta run to the bathroom.

Have a good week everyone!!!

second post today

Ok, so I know it's not actually Wednesday but I thought these question were funny and I am bored at work......so here it goes =^)

1.) Tell us something that to you is weird about your significant other. (If single, pick an ex) It can be a personality quirk, a hobby, a habit, a ritual etc but just make sure it's something you find odd about them.
ok, well my husband has this thing about new warm laundry. As soon as I bring the laundry in he'll run in, like an exicted 8 year old, and grab one of his clean shirts, throw off the one he's wearing an put the other one on. And yes, I'm sure that other's do that too BUT they way he does it is sooo funny. He puts the shirt on super slow and has the silliest look on his face and makes this noise...like a mix between "ahhhhhhh" and "yessssss." hehe, he's a goofball!

2.) What are 3 songs that you find sexy?

Um, wow this is a harder one.....I'd have to say most of Usher's songs back in the day. Like a woman(don't remember who it's by, but it's a country song, and it's relatively new) and Come to bed by Gretchen Wilson.

3.) After your partner goes down on you, do they have to brush their teeth/rinse with mouthwash before meeting your mouth again or do things just roll on?

well, we finish bumping uglies but I don't let him near my mouth again! haha. He sticks to the neck area and whatnot and rinses out his mouth after the hear between the sheets. =^)

4.) Is it ever okay to go ass to mouth without cleaning in between? (Anal sex to oral sex. Licking the anus to kissing. Etc )

NO. Enough said. But honestly, I don't go anywhere near his hairy ass and he doesn't go near mine. That it a huge no no. haha

5.) If you were going to give yourself a "Most Likely To..." award for this week, what would your title be?

clean the apartment. I'll probably ask hubby to do it but I'll end up doing it anyways.

6.) Do you read any self-help books? If so, which is your favorite? If not, why not?

Well, the only one I've actually bought and read "He's Just Not That into You." I didn't need to advice, I'm just a huge SATC fan and new the book was going to be funny and intriging. Which it was....and so was the movie.

7.) Do you prefer to buy porn, sex toys, lube and things of that nature in a store or discreetly online? Why?

Um, well the hubby and I have bought toys and whatnot at the store. But I made him actually buy the stuff. I'm always afraid that if I order it that it'll say on the box what the contents are.

8.) List these things in order from what you find most sexy to least sexy: Money, Loyalty, Sense of humor, Intelligence, Kindness, Romantic, Open-mindedness, Kinky, Honesty.

Loyalty. Sense of humor. Honesty. Intelligence. Romantic. Kindness. Open-midedness. Kinky. Money.

To me, none of that is "least sexy" it's just in the order of importance to me.

It's a good day tator

So, today I am happy. I haven't been really happy in awhile......I've mostly just been scared or mad or frustrated or sad. But today, I am none of those things....THANK HEAVANS =^)

Here's what happened.....Thursday morning, baby momma texts James saying "can you take madeline?" and that was it. After repeatedly trying, he finally got ahold of her on her house phone and she tells him that her dad(who she lives with) and the rest of her family all think she needs some sort of help. They think that for one, she needs a break from being a mother and 2, that she is depressed and bipolar and want her to get professional help. So James says yes, of course, he'd love to have Madeline. He tells me that we're getting Madeline and that we are going to be driving up to New York the next day to pick her up.

My reaction?......."what the hell??"

I started to look into daycares right away and then when I got off work at 12 I asked him to go to lunch with me so we could talk. I had a shitload of questions to ask him and I wanted to know how we were planning on doing this without screwing ourselves. So, we were driving and I'm asking him questions about day care and child support and sleeping arrangment because we only have a 2 bedroom and the spare is set up for a baby at the moment. I was asking about the legalities so baby momma doesn't try and screw us over and so on and so forth. Well, he answers them in very short sentences or says, I don't know....and it was mostly the latter....and I started getting frustrated with him. I was trying to think things through and make sure we were going to be able to support her and make Madeline's transition easier. But it seemed like all James was thinking was, "awesome, I'm getting my daughter." Him thinking that is okay but the problem was that he wasn't thinking anywhere PAST that. He wasn't thinking about all the little details that were going to be involved with having Madeline stay with us.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was happy that baby momma was going to let James take Madeline but I was scared shitless too. I'm 7 and 1/2 months pregnant with my first child and still trying to figure out how we're going to adapt to that one AND James is leaving 2 weeks from today for some other kind of training for 2 weeks. So that means I would be left with a confused 3 year old who is just being pushed from people to people and I don't know how to entertain a 3 year old or what they eat or anything.

Back to my original point....James wasn't thinking about any of this and wasn't planning for any of it. I mean, if he could have at least reassured me that things were going to be okay and that he was handeling it then I would have felt better about the whole situation. But he wasn't. He wasn't talking to me and filling me in on what was going on in his head. And yes I know that guys do that a lot....but this was too big a situation for him to keep me out of the loop like he was.

Then, he gets all mad at me because I'm frustrated with him(....see a pattern developing?) And he starts saying things like "I shouldn't be fighting about anything right now! I should be happy that I'm getting my daughter!" , "What....do you not want to have her here?" , "Fuck it, I'll tell [baby momma] that you have a problem with me keeping my daughter!"

That's when I started crying and telling him that for one, I do want her here but I also want him to man the fuck up and start reassuring me that we can handle this. I told him how all we've been doing is fighting and that's gotta change before we have a child around and that I needed him to open up and actually talk to me for once. I said that I feel like I'm always the one talking. Everytime I say we need to talk then he says "ok so talk." I do the talking, I do the opening up. He just sits there! Anyhoo.....I told him to get out of my car and I went home. He texted me like 5 minutes later and said "I'm sick of fucking fighting over little shit all the damn time." So, I fired back with "and I'm sick of feeling alone and not feeling loved. I have been stressed this entire pregnancy and you haven't done a damn thing to help. So fuck you."

Well, I believe that finally got to him. He got hom from work a couple hours later and the first thing he did was come up to me and give me a hug and finally talked. He said he was sorry for making me feel like I was alone and so stressed out. He admitted that he needed to step up more for me and take away some of the stress. He said that me and the baby are the most important things to him and he never wants me to doubt that. There's more, but that was the gist of the conversation. Also, turns out that baby momma changed her mind again because she didn't want to stop the child support. So she wasn't letting James take Madeline.

But for the last 3 days, he's been attentive and including me in his life more and actually letting me know what's going through his head.....for instance, he wants to start fighting for full custody of Madeline. We've talked about it and we have plenty of stuff on baby momma to make a good case, so we're going to see what we can do.

So, things are starting to look up and I'm in a better mood today than I have been in awhile. Also, since I've had so much time on my hands lately, I'm trying to find some hobbies that I can do. Some of the things I've always wanted to try are going to have wait until the baby gets here....like taking a kickboxing class or working part time at the horse stables here. But some things I want to try now are taking a cooking class....I really need the tips! haha. Or learning how to play the guitar. Or writing again....and I mean poems and stories and whatnot.

So what are some of yall's hobbies? I'd love to hear them and maybe steal an idea or two =^)

dealing with it

Hey everyone. There's not much to write about at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm still having the same issues as before. I know it's due to the damn horomones and I can't wait for them to go away.

I feel like I'm dealing with all of this alone. James and I keep fighting because he thinks I'm too emotional, but all I want is for him to act like this is something amazing and to be excited about it. I have no family here or any close friends to talk to. I call them but it's just not the same as being able to be with them. I think that's part of the reason why I'm so needy towards James. He's my only real support out here, and he keeps pulling away.

All I want is a little reassurance that everything is going to be okay and work out. I'm so scared of what's to come in the next few months. I don't know how to take care of a baby. Hell, I've never even changed a diaper. Babysitting was not something I did growing up. I worked with food and adults!

I don't want to keep fighting with him. Especially with a baby around. I don't want to be that couple that constantly fights around thier kid. I don't want Catherine to grow up thinking that there's anything wrong with her or that any of it is her fault. I just want us to be a happy family and work together and get along.

I am sick of being sad right now. I want to be happy.

Sad

Hey everyone. Let me start off by saying that I hope everyone is having a good friday.

Yeah.....my last post was one big rant....and even though I thought I got it all out there, I'm still mad. Well....actually, I'm kinda sad today. My mom told me to kick the horomones ass and I tried, I really did. But then James got home yesterday and showed me the pictures from his trip. All of the one's with Madeline were extremely cute....she's such a pretty little girl....but there were two pitures that bothered me to no end. Two of them were of the three of them...as in, James, Madeline and baby momma. And I know some people may think that I'm over reacting but it hurt so damn bad to see the three of them together....like a happy little family. I seriously never realized how hard it was going to be to deal with the fact that he has another family....and I'm not apart of it. I know there are plenty of people out there who aren't with their baby mommas or daddies.....it's fairly common....but I've never been put in this situation before. But part of the reason why it bugs me so much is because we are married now and expecting....it's not like I'm just his girlfriend, because if I were, I'd understand him wanting to meet her alone. But I wanted to share that huge moment in his life WITH him. Even if I couldn't go, him just asking me to be there would've made me feel like he wanted to share it with me.

Also, I must be a horrible person because alot of times, I wish he didn't have another kid. I don't hate Madeline, I really don't. She's so cute and sweet and I'm glad she got to see her daddy.....but I just wish that this kid that I'm having was OUR first...not just MY first. You know? It makes me so sad to see pictures of all of them and know that they were all laughing together, sitting together and watching THEIR daughter laugh and play. And I was at home, alone, sitting on my ass hoping that I'd get a phone call from him telling me how much fun he's having and that he wishes I was there. Never got that phone call.

I really didn't think it was possible to hate a person this much. Actually, until now, I don't think I've ever truely hated someone.....but her.....I hate with a passion. I hate that she has a part of James' life for the rest of her life, I hate that no matter where we go or what we do in the future baby momma will know about it and will put her 2 cents in and she will always have that special bond with James because of Madeline.

Maybe it's just the horomones and maybe I'll stop being this sad and depressed and angry once the baby comes......God I hope so. I don't think I can take feeling like this anymore. It takes way too much out of me.

Once again, people may think that I'm overreacting, but this is how I feel at the moment.

Irritated tuesday

So today is not a good day and it's only 0830. The only good that could happen today would be the few inches of snow they are calling for. I love the snow and I really hope that we get some.

Anyways, so James is still in New York and is now wanting to stay till Friday. He said he'd be back today but not anymore! And it's not like I can really get mad at him or ask him to come home because he's with his daughter and I'd end up being a selfish bitch. So, now I am stuck in a pissed off place and without him for the rest of the week.

See, I don't mind at all that he's with his daughter. I think that part is great and I am so happy that he's bonding with her. However, it also means he's with the bitch BM. OH! And btw.....she sent me a message on myspace the day after she saw him that said stuff like "they bonded so quick." and "thanks for supporting James in meeting Madeline" blah blah blah......the message was all nice and sweet until the last part. And being as pregnant as I am....it reeeeeaaaallly got to me. She said, and I quote......

"4th of july is a good time for james to conceive children lol that is the day i conceived madeline and he told me thats when the 2 of you conceived your lil girl thought that was funny.but anyways write back when you can sweetie :) "

yeah....that's copy and paste right there. But can someone please explain to me when is it EVER ok to tell your baby daddy's pregnant wife what day yall fucked? I swear she is either just stupid as hell or she wrote it to deliberately piss me off. And why he's telling her when we did it too? I have no idea. Maybe it's just the horomones but I'm seriously irritated and sick of him being with BM everynight.

Listen, I've never been the jealous type but since I've been pregnant, my biggest fear is now cheating. I know some of it will go away when Catherine arrives and the horomones settle down but I think now that I have a husband and child that it will always be on the top of my fears list. And even though he's never given me a reason to believe that he'd cheat on me, I still see and hear about other's who did cheat and no one ever expected them to. Like one of my good friends has been with this guy for a little over a year now. And this guy has been in love with her forever. Since they were both like 14. Anyways, he slept with someone else not too long ago and it shocked the hell out of me and everyone else. They are still together because she decided to give him another chance.....but damn! I couldn't do that. I believe that if James ever slept with someone else, I could never look at him again, let alone sleep in the same bed. Another fear of mine is not knowing. Him cheating and if not getting back to me. I don't think I can really explain this one but all I know is that it scares me.

Ok, sorry guys. I didn't mean to write the entire about cheating and lying....haha. I'm just sad and irritated and lonely and jealous that BM is getting all this extra time with James and I'm not. I know he's not there to see her but it stills hurts and I can't help but second guess everything he or she says to me.

Fucking horomones.

Today is my friday =^)

So I'm in a good mood today. Why? Well, thanks for asking.....=^)

I'm excited about this weekend because my parents are coming in town for like a total of 28 hours. They are driving here on Saturday morning and leaving sunday afternoon. I wish they could stay for a few days but I'll take what I can get. Do yall wanna know what the FIRST thing we'll do is? Go to the liquer store. haha. I don't drink....obviously....but liquer on base is a hell of alot cheaper than in a civilian store. So my daddy will want to immediately go to the NEX and stock up on cheap Crown Royal and Gin and Vodka to take home with him. He makes me pick up like 5 bottles of liquer whenever I plan on coming home....which didn't use to be a big deal but now since I'm, ya know, 30 weeks prego, I kind of get stared at funny. I always try and point out that I'm not the one drinking it but it still looks bad.....haha.....oh well.

Anyways, so it's also nice that they are coming in because it's a long weekend and my husband is driving to New York tonight until next tuesday or wednesday to visit his daughter. I never had a ton of friends here anyways, but now that I can't actually go out and have fun, I have even less people to hang out with. So it'll be awesome to have some company, other than my 2 cats, this weekend.

But speaking of visiting family, I just realized that I never told yall about my husband's kid. Her name is Madeline, or Maddie for short and she will be 3 at around the same time I pop this kid out. This will be the first time he even sees her in person. Ok, here's a little backround.....James and this chick BM(babymomma) dated for like 3 weeks the summer before he left for the Navy. He was off again with his on again off again girlfriend at the time and was partying and drinking all the time....who wasn't, I mean he was just an 18 year old kid just out of high school. Anyways, BM was also off again with some guy she'd been hooking up with for a couple years. So James and his girlfriend got back together and that was the end of BM....so he thought. This was all back in 2005 by the way.....THEN in the beginning of 2007, he gets word from a friend back home that BM is going around telling everyone that he's a daddy. The bitch knew it was his from the beginning, but didn't want her boyfriend to leave her so she let him think is was his and I guess he finally put 2 and 2 together and realized that Maddie looked just like James or heard about what she was saying or something. But it resulted in him breaking up with her and her coming after James for all the back child support that he owed. So he took a paternity test, finds out that he is in fact a daddy and then became like $4,000 in debt to BM.

Which let me take a moment to bitch about women like her.....FUCK THEM! OMG I hate women who fuck guys over like that. Yes, you are entitled to child support and any kind of help that you want, HOWEVER, you don't just lie for almost 2 years and then decide to tell the guy that he is in fact a father THEN attack him for all the child support from the time that he didn't know! If you tell the father you are pregnant and then he bails.....yes, go after the scumbag for money. If you are just a lying bitch who just wants to party and drink and pawn your kid off of everyone else, and you are STILL demanding all this money, then you are a worthless bitch. I HATE women like this!

Back to BM specifically....I hate her! Not because she had his child first.....which, I will admit, hurts from time to time, but I think it just the horomones.....but because she's an ill fit parent. Let me explain why I believe this before anyone says anything.

1. She parties constantly and wastes her money on things like alcohol all the time and since BM was living with her father, she just pawed Maddie off on him.

2. She's immature and makes stupid threats and tried to start crap with me. My husband went to Mississippi for training a few months ago and while he was gone she decided to start crap with me. She IMed me on myspace and at first the convo was friendly. Then it turned sad(on her side). I mean, she was saying stuff like "oh, I don't think I can do this anymore" "I should've gotten an abortion like James told me to"(which he didn't because he didn't even know he had a kid til Maddie was almost 1!) "it's too hard" "I think I'm going to give her up for adoption because I wanna go out and party and have fun" (her EXACT WORDS!) Let me just say how selfish that is AND how stupid. James has partial custody and never signed his paternal rights away so the dumb bitch can not give her up for adoption without HIS consent. Then the convo turned mean. She started to say crap like "he still loves me ya know" "he still tells me that he misses me and wants to be with me" and before I could say anything back to her, she signed off. So she was trying to fuck with my emotions now and trying to get a rise out of me. Well....she did....I was still in my 1st trimester and it was my birthday so I was all alone and extremely hormonal. I call James crying and screaming that if that dumb bitch fucks with me again that I was going to drive to New York my self and fuck her up. Anyways, my whole point in this one was to say that she constantly makes stupid threats and actually tells us she doesn't want to be a parent because all she wants to do is party and get drunk.

3. This is the last one. The way she brings news guys(and girls) around Maddie....and I don't mean introducing them as a friend. Introducing them and a whole lot more. She was in love with the guy who thought he was the dad. POOF, he disappears from Maddie's life. Then there were 2 or 3 other guys that BM brought around as "new daddies" and then POOF they disappear. Then she hooked up with her roomate's girlfriend(lesbians) and that's the new important person in mommy's life according to Maddie. And now she's with some douche named Kyle, who after 3 weeks, she's already got Maddie trained to call him "daddy." One of two things could happen here(hell, both are possible). One, it could fuck with Maddie's head....it could confuse her and ultimately screw her up in ways that we won't know about until she's older. And two, it could totally backfire on BM. I've heard this come from a friend's mouth when I was roughly 15 or 16 and I'm sure lots of you have......Maddie could grow up saying "Oh great, mom's got another new boyfriend over." "Can I stay with you, I don't wanna see mom's newest fling." You know what I mean?

There's so much more I could write about her but I'm getting angry just thinking about her. Grrrrrr!

haha ok, so this turned out to be a whole lot longer than I thought it would be. Well, I need to go pick up mail now so I'm out.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Short week....woo hoo!

So I have a four day work week this week which is awesome! We have next monday off for Martin Luther King Jr day but my CO made an awesome rule that anytime we have a 3 day weekend....he will automatically extend it to a 4 day weekend. My boss rocks!

Anyways, I I wanna take some time here and bitch. I want to bitch and moan about being pregnant! I don't have many girlfriends and I can only bitch to my momma so many times. For one, the stretch marks. I know there are quite a few women who hardly get any or none at all....but I am def. NOT one of em =^( I try and take prego pictures and I can't actually show my belly in them because they look soooo nasty and red and gross. Plus, I'm starting to get these weird ones behind my knees on the inside of my legs. They're little but still ugly. I try cocoa butter and whatnot but it's not really doing anything. I guess that I'm just one of the unlucky women who have to deal with the nasty strectness.

2nd thing I hate about being pregnant.....shaving! I shave like once every week or 2....yes, it's gross I know....but it's also painful. I hate standing for that long and bending over. I've tried to take baths and do it but that doesn't really work because I can't get the angles right. I mean, to shave the back of my leg I'd have to lift and HOLD my leg in the air....and let's face it...if you've been pregnant, then you know that ain't gonna work! haha. So I warned my husband weeks and weeks ago that he better not complain once that my legs are hairy or I was going to shave his nipples. =^)

3rd thing I hate about being pregnant....my indecisiveness(sp?). Okay, so I don't know how many other women have had this problem......can't decide what to eat. I know lots of women get cravings and have to have that food now but I haven't gotten any cravings yet. See, I'll get hungry and really really want some food but I will have NO clue what I want. My husband gets so annoyed because I will sit there and bitch about being hungry for hours and simply not eat. He'll throw out ideas, but nothing ever sounds that good. So half the time I will go to bed hungry because I can't figure out what I want and I'd rather stay hungry than eat something I'm not sure about. hahaha it drived my husband friggin nuts!

4th thing I hated. I'm using past tense because they finally went away, or else it'd be number 1 on my list. The headaches. And I'm not talking about the everyday 10 minute long headache that people learn to deal with when working or at school or whatever. I'm talking about painful, can't walk or talk or move or breath and crying my eyes out migranes! OH MY GOD! I thought I was going to die yall! I never had a headache that bad before. I know migranes are actually a disease or something to that effect, so it may not have been full blown migranes BUT these were just as painful. If I walked the 80feet from my car to my desk, as soon as I would sit down it when the headache would start....and it would POUND! People thought I was just being the "emotional pregnant lady" because I was crying but I was crying because I was begging for it to stop and go away. Of course the only thing I was allowed to take was tylenol which didn't do shit for me. And the doctor told me that there wasn't really anything they could do either. These things lasted on and off everyday, all day for weeks. Plus the heat didn't help at the time. Summer is the worst time to be pregnant, I swear to God! So to be having my first trimester in July and August and September(which was just as hot at August) with all those early symptoms, like nausea and headaches.....I never want want to do it again! I wouldn't wish those kinds of headaches on my worst enemy! haha

Well, I think those are my biggest complaints so far from being pregnant. I still have 2 and a half months to go so I'll update that list....I'm sure I'll have more to bitch about =^)

Hope everyone has a good week yall!

Guess who's back.......

Hello everyone. So I took a little hiatus(sp?) from blogging. So much was going on with me and my family and my boyfriend. But I keep getting comments from people asking me what's going on because they see me commenting on other people's blogs.....so here I am =^)

As some of you may know, I am pregnant. I'm 30 weeks along and it is with the guy that I was bitching about in my last post. We are still together and doing good. But let me back up a little and explain.....

I ended my last post kinda angry talking about what a douchbag my boyfriend is. Well, that was true....but I'm also a bitch. I know I've been kind of vague on describing our relationship but that's only because I don't want to bitch about him and make it look like he's a horrible person because he's really not. We both are just very strongminded and stubborn and can be really mean when we fight. To understand us, you'd have to actually know us. I hope I'm making some sense here.

So, here is my disclaimer.....if I come on here bitching about him, please keep in mind that this is MY blog. And I don't mean that I don't want yall's comments. What I mean by "my blog" is that it's mine, not his. So, here I'm allowed to bitch and moan and whine about him. It'll help me from ripping my hair out or kicking him in the nuts =^). This blog will help me get my aggression out and calm myself down. Also, I think I'm entitled to be a little one sided on here if I want, because once again, this is my blog, not his. He doesn't know about it so it lets me vent without fear of hurting him or pissing him off.

Ok, so now that I have THAT out of the way, on to some other things......

Yes, we were fighting back when I left off, but we have a way of yelling and saying mean things to each other, then not talking for a day or so then we both apologize for everything that was said. Some people may not find this healthy or whatever but I love the man and have loved him for the last 2 and a half years. It kind of reminds me of the couple's relationship in the notebook. They scream and holler at each other but they were crazy about each other =^).

We got pregnant on July 4th.....how do I know the exact date? Well, let's just say that our good buddy Jack Daniels was involved in making that happen. And we got married on November 12th on our 2 year anniversary. Even though it wasn't planned(most aren't anyways) I am excited to be having a little girl. She is due March 30 and I am getting more excited and nervous and scared every day. We are naming her Catherine Mae. Catherine was my husband's mom's name, and she died of cancer when he was about 16 so he really wanted to name her after her. And Mae is my middle name and my momma's middle name and my mamaw's middle name and my great mamaw's middle name....I think you get the picture.

Anyhoo....someone was asking if I was still deploying....sadly, no. I didn't get to go because of Catherine. I didn't want to be away from my family and friends for 6 months anyways, but the money I was going to be making would've been very nice. I get out this summer and we are still debating on whether or not my husband is going to stay in. If he gets these orders that he really wants then he will stay in for another 4 years but if not then he's going to get out and go to the police force. Even though I would LOVE for him to get out also and for us to move back to my hometown...I know that it's a smarter decision for him to stay in for another 4 years......damn recession. Him staying in will give us a little more stability financially and it'll also give me some wiggle room for school.

Alrighty yall......it's about lunchtime and I am starving! So thank you to those who were wondering how I was doing! I'll update again soon! <3